on Jesus and furniture

Brian preached at church last week. He read the Sermon on the Mount aloud, in its entirety, as his sermon (as an aside, using the Sermon on the Mount as a sermon was not originally our idea, but we liked it so much that we have both used it several times. Thanks, Greg, for the inspiration). It is usually met with an uncomfortable silence, and in that silence I would imagine I am closer to following Christ than in any praise for something I might write on my own. But I digress. He gave the Sermon the Mount, which means he spent the week before reading and discussing it. Hearing it all was refreshing.

Refreshing and challenging.

This isn't something I talk about very often, precisely because of the Sermon on the Mount (where it says not to let your left hand know what your right hand is doing). But one of our primary goals as a family is to live simply. It is the best way I know to be a good steward of all that has been given to me - of relationships, time, money, the environment, and the heaping mound of STUFF that is used in daily American life. We are still mostly mainstream in our lifestyle, but our goal is to need as little and share as much as we possibly can. We aim for this for two primary reasons. The first is because that's what I hear Jesus saying over and over in his teachings. The second is that time is always traded for money. We prefer to have the time. The less stuff we need, the less money we need to buy stuff, and the more time we have - with our kids, with music (for Brian), with each other. For us, it's worth the trade.

Living simply gets complicated.

An example: Since we bought our house, I've had a picture in my head of how our home could look. It could be so cute, if we had a few key pieces of furniture. The idea was to buy slowly and pay cash (because avoiding debt means that I need less money). But the reality is that when we have the cash, I question if this is the best way to use it. How can we buy a new chair with a clear conscience, when we know a family who has been without income for three months? That could be food on their table, and I already have a chair that is usable. But what's wrong with wanting nice stuff?

Nothing. Nothing at all. Please don't hear me telling you that new fill-in-the-blank is wrong. I don't believe that. I guess what I'm asking is, where do we, as believers, draw the line? Or do we? This is our allotted space in history. I live here, now, and functioning in this world means owning and consuming many things. I'm already picking and choosing how I live simply - I spend money on internet access and good coffee, don't I? And Jesus doesn't really seem to draw a line. He let the rich young ruler walk away when sharing what he had was too hard. So how do I know when to buy furniture, and when to share that money?

I don't have an answer. In the end, I'm reminded that Jesus is always hard. Believing in a higher power is simple; trusting Jesus is not. My best hope is grace to act when I'm prompted and the grace of forgiveness when I am wrong.

What do you think?

I'm not typing the post I wrote in my head this morning. This morning I defended Scott McClellan to the Today show, and I sat down to write about why. Surprising, I know. But since when is reflection a character flaw? Also, when the media devours those who criticize our government, they are also devouring one of the basic tenents of the Bill of Rights. The point was not just that anyone can say anything they want (as long as it's true), but that they should. That part of being a responsible citizen is speaking up, especially when you are in a position to know more than most (as a former member of the current administration would be) and have, over time, changed your mind. It's our only defense against state-sanctioned propoganda, the very thing Scott McClellan is speaking against and being eaten alive for doing so. This is what I was going to talk about this morning, and maybe it would have been interesting. But I've been distracted, by these three posts. Four, actually.

I haven't been myself lately, and by lately I mean the last three years. In June 2005 my daily life was largely devoted to my spiritual life. I spent a good deal of time praying, talking, serving, or thinking about following Jesus. In August, that changed. I changed. By August, most of my day was spent trying to get through the day. That lifted, in time, but one burden was replaced by another. I learned more about the act of faith in the following year, but my heart and mind never quite recovered from the previous summer. Since then, I've been dealing with the day at hand, and not reflecting or praying for much of anything.

I haven't been myself, and I've become a much more anxious person as a result. I realized all of this last week, and my prayer since then has been, "Lord I believe. Help my unbelief." And I believe that He has, or at least, that He has begun. I'm no longer worried about Silas' birth or the transition to a two-kid family. I've realized that these are the last few weeks Asher and I have together, just the two of us, and I'm trying to make the most of them. I'm trying to make sure we do all of the fun things that will be harder to do with a newborn. And as he he hasn't slept for two nights, I've tried to be thankful for the time to spend with him without anyone else needing me.

The links above are posts about identity, and how a woman loses hers when she becomes a mother. But my identity wasn't lost to motherhood as much as it was to circumstances. For the past three years, events have defined me, rather than my position before God. I was wrong for allowing that to happen. If I am a child of God (and I am), then that is who I am regardless of what is happening in my life or in the lives around me. Regardless of what I'm doing, of who I've lost or borne, of where I live, or how I spend my day, I am still a child of God.

I haven't been myself, but I believe I will be again. This is the promise of redemption, that we are never left alone. That we will continue to be changed, forgiven, over and again. Lord I believe. Help my unbelief.

a thousand gifts

Missy is listing a thousand gifts. The idea came from a blog I have not read before called Holy Experience. Here's a quote from her post on what happened when she began noting the daily moments and seeing them as gifts from God:

I am seeing things I have never seen before, atuned and aware of this constant, endless stream of gifts from His hand. I am one waking from slumber....from the stupor of indifference and ignorance. I have sight, fresh and keen---the world is new and full of His gifts.

Too often I miss Him, oblivious, blind. I don't see all the good things that He is giving me, gracing me with, brushing my life with. True, He is everywhere, always. But maybe, before The Gift List, I thought of Him as further off, not so close. When I started to see all the things that I love bestowed upon me, I started to see Him as near, present, everywhere, showering me with good things. Seeing the things I love all around me gives me eyes to see that I am loved, that He loves me.

It is happening to me as John Milton wrote: "Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world."

Everyday epiphanies everywhere, indeed: gifts....Grace.

The truth is that I love my life, and I am grateful for it. But in the moment, I can forget just what a gift it is, how badly I wanted and how I waited for this season. So, a list of a thousand gifts seems like a good idea. Care to join me?

on apple juice and other stuff

The time at the tone is 5:37 a.m. I woke up at 4:45 craving apple juice. Craving, as in, I cannot stay in this bed one more second, because that's one more second I am not drinking apple juice. I've had two juice boxes since then. Granted, they are mini-juice boxes, so that probably only totals one full glass of juice, but still. I can't remember the last time I've had - much less wanted - juice before this morning.

I tried last night to write a post, but it didn't go anywhere. What has been on my mind lately is Silas' birth. Have you ever met a woman terrified of her second child's birth? Me neither. Maybe I've read too many sad or scary birth stories lately, or maybe I'm just pregnant and emotional (ya think?). But it has been weighing on me, and every time I see my doctor, I get more anxious about it. I really don't know why. According to every possible measure, I am carrying a completely healthy, normal little boy. There is no reason to think anything at all will happen.

But because of my anxiety, I am going to begin to prepare as though I will have another c-section. My plan (at 28 weeks - we'll see how it changes over the next 12) is to schedule a c-section at 40 weeks. If I go into labor on my own before then (as I did with Asher, not that I can use that as a measure of this child, I know), and my doctor is comfortable with a VBAC, we'll do it. But planning a c-section will take the anxiety over the unknown out of the equation. Also, a scheduled c-section is an easier recovery than a c-section after labor, and it allows me time to prepare. I won't be able to lift anything over 20 lbs for 6 weeks, which means I can't be alone with my 25 lb child while I recover. We need to look at Brian's time-off and figure out when we'll need grandparents, that sort of thing.

So, that's the news here. It's probably not pertinent to anyone but me, but for me, it really is.

And here is my confession: I have a hard time praying about anything pregnancy-related. I don't know what to ask for. I believe that God is good and loving toward all He has made; I also know we live in a world where babies die. I have made peace with those two realities, but it leaves me uncertain of how to pray. I can pray for my child, and for the person he will become. But for the time between now and when he is a little person who can eat and breathe apart from my body, I don't have the faith to pray for his health and honestly believe my prayers are effective. But I know that as a believer, I can't remain as anxious as I have been about his birth. I have to trust that God - who is good and loving toward all He has made, including me - will give Brian and me the ability to face whatever is handed to us. Lord willing (and the creek don't rise), that will be the normal stress of bringing home a healthy baby. But even if it's not, God will give us the strength to do whatever we need to. That, I can trust. That is something I can pray in faith.

By the way, Silas liked the apple juice almost as much as I did. Happy Wednesday.