The time at the tone is 5:37 a.m. I woke up at 4:45 craving apple juice. Craving, as in, I cannot stay in this bed one more second, because that's one more second I am not drinking apple juice. I've had two juice boxes since then. Granted, they are mini-juice boxes, so that probably only totals one full glass of juice, but still. I can't remember the last time I've had - much less wanted - juice before this morning.
I tried last night to write a post, but it didn't go anywhere. What has been on my mind lately is Silas' birth. Have you ever met a woman terrified of her second child's birth? Me neither. Maybe I've read too many sad or scary birth stories lately, or maybe I'm just pregnant and emotional (ya think?). But it has been weighing on me, and every time I see my doctor, I get more anxious about it. I really don't know why. According to every possible measure, I am carrying a completely healthy, normal little boy. There is no reason to think anything at all will happen.
But because of my anxiety, I am going to begin to prepare as though I will have another c-section. My plan (at 28 weeks - we'll see how it changes over the next 12) is to schedule a c-section at 40 weeks. If I go into labor on my own before then (as I did with Asher, not that I can use that as a measure of this child, I know), and my doctor is comfortable with a VBAC, we'll do it. But planning a c-section will take the anxiety over the unknown out of the equation. Also, a scheduled c-section is an easier recovery than a c-section after labor, and it allows me time to prepare. I won't be able to lift anything over 20 lbs for 6 weeks, which means I can't be alone with my 25 lb child while I recover. We need to look at Brian's time-off and figure out when we'll need grandparents, that sort of thing.
So, that's the news here. It's probably not pertinent to anyone but me, but for me, it really is.
And here is my confession: I have a hard time praying about anything pregnancy-related. I don't know what to ask for. I believe that God is good and loving toward all He has made; I also know we live in a world where babies die. I have made peace with those two realities, but it leaves me uncertain of how to pray. I can pray for my child, and for the person he will become. But for the time between now and when he is a little person who can eat and breathe apart from my body, I don't have the faith to pray for his health and honestly believe my prayers are effective. But I know that as a believer, I can't remain as anxious as I have been about his birth. I have to trust that God - who is good and loving toward all He has made, including me - will give Brian and me the ability to face whatever is handed to us. Lord willing (and the creek don't rise), that will be the normal stress of bringing home a healthy baby. But even if it's not, God will give us the strength to do whatever we need to. That, I can trust. That is something I can pray in faith.
By the way, Silas liked the apple juice almost as much as I did. Happy Wednesday.
7 comments:
I haven't actually had any cravings this time or last. I have discoverd that eating chinese food does give me horrible indigestion and and upset stomach. So I am unfortunately going to lay off that for a while.
I am sorry I probably contributed to your paranoia :(
I would imagine after all you have been thru, losing so many babies, that you would be nervous. I would be too.
My favorite quotes on worry are from Corrie Ten Boom. Are you ready? Because these rock:
-Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.
-Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear.
-When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.
and my fave:
-Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
I remember crying before Eva Rose was born, not because I was afraid of the labor, but I was so scared of having another newborn. Shep had been so hard, and I was terrified of going thru the sleepless nights etc again. But the second time around, it was a piece of cake. And the third. And the fourth.
It's all gonna be just fine, ducky.
I have never been a cereal person but since being pregnant, amazingly i couldn't care less about food... I mean, I want to eat but I don't care what I eat. At night I am totally satisfied with a bowl of Special K with strawberries. However, I am making sure I am getting a well balanced diet throughout the day even though I am eating cereal for supper.
As for fear of birthing... I am there with you. If I were having a single baby I don't think I would be giving it any thought... I would just assume that being low risk/first time/healthy pregnancy would produce "normal" vaginal birth. However, I am going into this knowing that I have two babies to birth at once and SO MANY people give me those unnecessary negative comments about " you know you will probably have to have a csection right?" OF COURSE I know that is a possibility. And being honest with you, I am afraid of a csection. I really don't want to have one. But, if it is the only way of getting my daughters to us safely, of course, I'll do it.
Well, I will say a prayer for both of you.
I know you don't know me from Adam so my opinion is just that. But I read your post today and I can't help but think that scheduling a cesarean to relieve anxiety is just a way to try and control the uncontrollable. Having an ERCS is typically NOT the safest route for a baby to be born, it just isn't. If your care provider is supportive of VBAC then embrace and explore that option, a lot. Trying to care for a toddler and a newborn is difficult anyway but it is usually much more difficult if you are recovering from major abdominal surgery. Here is a resource with great VBAC information - www.ican-online.org Regardless of what decisions you make I wish you a peaceful pregnancy and a wonderful birth. A mom to 4 - one cesarean and 3 VBACs
Emily and Laura, my cravings have been off-again, on-again this time around. And nothing especially weird, at least not yet. In general, I eat much more meat than I would otherwise. That's the strangest thing about it so far.
Missy, thanks for the encouragement. I really need it. Your favorite was mine, too. I need to remember that.
Laura, about c-sections, they really aren't terrible. Which is part of why it's so strange for me to be this freaked out about it. I've already done it once ... my friend at church who had twins had one vaginal birth and one c-section. She recovered very quickly, but I put her in the category of super woman in general, so I don't know how a normal woman's recovery from that would be. I got really nervous the last month before Asher's birth, but the actual experience was not nearly as scary as I had anticipated.
kansaskp - The decision to have a VBAC or another c-section is not one I have made quickly or lightly. I still hope I am able to have a VBAC, but I also have begun to accept that my child's health must take priority over my own preferences. With any luck, the two won't conflict. We'll see in about 12 weeks.
We are always given what we need to deal with the things we have to deal with. More than half a century on this planet now - and that is one thing I absolutely believe.
You can, too.
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