I'm not typing the post I wrote in my head this morning. This morning I defended Scott McClellan to the Today show, and I sat down to write about why. Surprising, I know. But since when is reflection a character flaw? Also, when the media devours those who criticize our government, they are also devouring one of the basic tenents of the Bill of Rights. The point was not just that anyone can say anything they want (as long as it's true), but that they should. That part of being a responsible citizen is speaking up, especially when you are in a position to know more than most (as a former member of the current administration would be) and have, over time, changed your mind. It's our only defense against state-sanctioned propoganda, the very thing Scott McClellan is speaking against and being eaten alive for doing so. This is what I was going to talk about this morning, and maybe it would have been interesting. But I've been distracted, by these three posts. Four, actually.

I haven't been myself lately, and by lately I mean the last three years. In June 2005 my daily life was largely devoted to my spiritual life. I spent a good deal of time praying, talking, serving, or thinking about following Jesus. In August, that changed. I changed. By August, most of my day was spent trying to get through the day. That lifted, in time, but one burden was replaced by another. I learned more about the act of faith in the following year, but my heart and mind never quite recovered from the previous summer. Since then, I've been dealing with the day at hand, and not reflecting or praying for much of anything.

I haven't been myself, and I've become a much more anxious person as a result. I realized all of this last week, and my prayer since then has been, "Lord I believe. Help my unbelief." And I believe that He has, or at least, that He has begun. I'm no longer worried about Silas' birth or the transition to a two-kid family. I've realized that these are the last few weeks Asher and I have together, just the two of us, and I'm trying to make the most of them. I'm trying to make sure we do all of the fun things that will be harder to do with a newborn. And as he he hasn't slept for two nights, I've tried to be thankful for the time to spend with him without anyone else needing me.

The links above are posts about identity, and how a woman loses hers when she becomes a mother. But my identity wasn't lost to motherhood as much as it was to circumstances. For the past three years, events have defined me, rather than my position before God. I was wrong for allowing that to happen. If I am a child of God (and I am), then that is who I am regardless of what is happening in my life or in the lives around me. Regardless of what I'm doing, of who I've lost or borne, of where I live, or how I spend my day, I am still a child of God.

I haven't been myself, but I believe I will be again. This is the promise of redemption, that we are never left alone. That we will continue to be changed, forgiven, over and again. Lord I believe. Help my unbelief.