I have been wrestling with God. I want what I want when I want it, and that makes me more American than Christian and also leans toward episodes that mimic schizophrenia. God and I had a serious, actual argument, and though it was hard, I'm glad that God won.
The result: God's ways are not like mine. It is possible to commit to seeking God above everything else, and watch my exterior life fall apart as a result. It's not only possible, it's PROBABLE, and I don't know why I'm always surprised when it happens. I get no guarantees in the natural realm (that's the part that I really don't like right now). I've been wrestling with God, and the good news is that, for now, it's over, and God won, and I'm not really even all that banged up, just tired, mostly.
So here are some things - in case you were interested - that ended our fight. They're all paraphrased and not referenced. I'm giving you ideas, not research.
a. Seek first the kingdom of God and all of these things will be ADDED to you. (In other words, I can't seek first everything else and think the kingdom will be added to me. It doesn't work that way).
b. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet God knows where each one of them lands. How much more does he care about you than sparrows? Look at the flowers of the field. They do nothing to earn their keep, and yet Solomon in all of his splendor was not as well dressed as they are. So don't worry about what you will wear, or where you will live, or how you will eat. Each day has enough worry of its own.
c. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
d. A man has two sons; he tells them both to go into the field. One says, "I will!" and then does not. The other says, "I will not," and then he goes. Which one did the right thing? The one who went. (This story is especially comforting considering how I ranted today. At least I'm still DOING it, even if I have been complaining about it.)
e. The message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to those who are being saved, it is the very fragrance of God.
I have the feeling that I could have made this so much more eloquent, but I'm just not in the mood to do so. It is what it is - like my life. It ain't as pretty as I want it be, but at least we're still moving forward ...