The thing is, I thought I was prepared.
I know babies are hard. Transitions are hard. Someone's going to whine and the tv is going to be on way too much and you're going to be late to things because that's just the way life goes when a very brand new baby is in the house.
I thought, I know what to expect. She may or may not be a fussier baby, but if she is, I can handle it. She may or may not sleep for the first year, but if she doesn't, I can handle it. The boys are going to lose their minds for a little while, but then we'll hit a stride, and everything will settle down. I've done this before, I can do it again. And in the end, guess what! We'll have this perfectly beautiful little baby girl in our lives.
I can do this.
You're already laughing at me, aren't you?
Because the baby part? Nothing to it. Nursing has been a breeze. Sleep has been a non-issue. Emmy came into the world understanding that Sleep Was Important, and even in the very earliest days would sleep (on me, but still) several hours at night, then fall immediately back to sleep after she ate. She likes to be held, and likes to play alone. Likes to doze in her stroller, or look around contentedly. Likes to kick around on a blanket on the floor (not that she ever has to worry about being left alone there - one of the blessings of being the youngest in the crowd is that there is always a big brother who wants to talk to her). For crying out loud, the girl even prefers to go to bed awake, and fall asleep on her own. At three months old.
This is the easiest baby ever.
It's the rest of life that's kicking my tail. Potty training and naptime strikes (have mercy) and laundry and a series of illnesses (I didn't mention the death plague we had a few weeks ago here, but we were all sick at the same time, and that's a first in our house) and remembering when it's Asher's turn for snacks at preschool and work ... we won't even talk about work. And other things, things that are important too, happening around me - friends who are struggling and wanting so much to be helpful to them, only to get ten minutes into a conversation and realize someone left the markers out and now Silas is drawing on the boppy.
Life is kicking my tail.
But the baby, man, the baby is good.
I'm not looking for an easy button. I have three children under four years old, and I signed up for this. I want these kids, I want this life.
I just hate feeling like my best isn't good enough.