Wednesday, August 19, 2009

confessions

1. I've been pacing for a few days now, saying, "The baby's coming!" or "The baby's here!" and not knowing what to do with myself. I can't explain it, because I don't understand it fully, but I want to DO something. I want to be a part of it, somehow. But small children in a hospital room are overwhelming (don't you agree?) and that nullifies whatever possible good I could do up there anyway. Plus, let's be honest. What I want to do, really, is just go stare at my sister's baby for a while. He looks like Silas, which is to say he looks like his mother, because Silas resembles her too. But I just want to go look at him one more time and be sure.

What IS it about tiny babies?

Also, can I tell you a secret? I loved both of my children the moment I knew I was carrying them. It's nobody's secret that we've got bonding covered around this joint. But honestly? Newborns are more fun when they are someone else's. Throw tomatoes if you must, but I'm completely overwhelmed when I'm living in the newborn phase. But the newborn of somebody I love ... is all of the excitement without the gravity of the moment. Which is to say, I am ready to hold that baby again.

2. This guy and I don't know one another in real life, though we have mutual friends. I've been reading his blog for a long time (and LOVE LOVE LOVE his baby's name!), and I can't imagine us sitting in a room for very long without some sort of confrontational conversation. Even so, his post yesterday was on to something - about the way priorities change when babies enter your life (see #1). I spent today with Georgia's Mom and Co., and she was invited to join in a conference call press conference with President Obama at 4 p.m. today to discuss healthcare reform. (!!!) And do you know how it went? I don't either, because WE FORGOT IT. The kids wanted to play in the water, and then we decided to deconstruct the toddler slide and ... the moment passed us by.

It's not that I don't care about politics, it's just that I am finite. Most often, my attention goes to the moment.

3. I would like to think it possible to learn a spiritual lesson and move forward in that knowledge. Some things are like that, but some things I seem to have to learn over and over. A friend was talking to me yesterday about asking God for the grace to live the moment, rather than asking God to avoid or rush through harder things. Me too, I told her. I need to do that too. And then I remembered, hello! I learned that lesson last year. I've been focusing the last few days on renewing (or "renembering," as Asher says) that prayer again.

4. One of my top priorities every weekend is to go grocery shopping without children. But because Brian has been gone the last two Saturdays, that has been pretty difficult to pull off. I took them with me for a sprint through the closest grocery store last Friday, and now I remember why I go alone. Set aside the standing up in the front of the cart (Silas) or throwing groceries out of the back (Asher). Forget whatever screaming/crying/flinging/signs of desperation are involved by us all. I just buy WHACKED OUT STUFF when they are with me. I have two packages of pie crust (?) and no green beans. Two gallons of milk for Asher, no rice milk for Silas. Plenty of waffles, but no cereal. WHAT WAS I THINKING? I wasn't; rather, I was thinking - please get me out of this store as quickly as possible hey that's on sale i'll take two! - and not actually considering what we needed, and forget about keeping a budget. So tomorrow I have to go to the store (again, with children, but this time WITH A LIST) because unless we eat waffles and broccoli for dinner tomorrow, I have nothing to prepare. Alas.

5. I just can't multitask, guys. I know moms are known for multitasking, but I'm just not one of them. Which is why I can't buy groceries and keep my children alive at the same time, or listen in on a really cool conference call with the President while the kids are waking up from their naps, or even talk on the phone while my kids are talking to me in the backseat of the car. It's that white-knuckled intensity; it just doesn't split very easily or well. There, I've said it. It is, in large part, why I don't read books or clean house (actually clean, not just maintain) or cook complicated meals while my kids are awake. I just can't pull it off - either I miss something important in the task at hand, or I snap at my kids because I'm WORKING and they are EXISTING at the same time ... I'm better off to just wait until they're asleep. It's how I function best.

Those are all of my confessions. The end.

5 comments:

Madame Rubies said...

Right there with ya on new babies. My godson is so tiny and perfect, and I can get up with him in the middle of the night and sit and hold his bottle forever and I just feel peaceful. Wish he didn't live 10 hours away.

Nick M. said...

I would very much like to be present for any future conversations that you and Luke get to have with one another. It could be fun and I could sell tickets!

Nick M. said...

Also I was going to do that conference call too but decided against it when I realized that it would be more fun to go pick up the girls from the babysitter and take them home! Priorities. :-)

mikkee said...

there is nothing like holding a newborn. nothing. i also really, really appreciate the 8 hours of unadulterated sleep i frequently enjoy.

Kendra said...

Green beans are overrated =)