some things

1. Lately I have been thinking about comfort and confidence, and how much the two are related. I don't think I realized that until now. The more confident I am, the more comfortable I am, and the less I worry about meaningless things. The past few Christmases (since I had Asher, and have no longer been able to put the energy into it I used to) have been more enjoyable, because I am not stressed. This year I had no delusion of perfection, so I was not frustrated when it didn't turn out perfectly. It made for such an enjoyable holiday.

Also, because we have been furniture shopping, I have been thinking about my home a lot, and what I want it to be. Mostly I want a place where people are comfortable - a refuge for my family, and a place where visitors are at ease. It would be nice if all the furniture matched one day, but I've realized recently that is not my ultimate goal. Again, I'm letting go of some abstract ideal and learning to enjoy reality. And I'm thankful for it. I really love the life I have in this house, and that life is not impeded by mismatched chairs. (Though I will tell you Brian bought night stands today that were reduced by 80%. Impressive, even for Brian's expert deal-finding skills.)

2. We passed this odd cold around our family earlier in the week. The symptoms weren't that bad, but it left us all feeling really rundown. Maybe it was having a cold while being so busy - I'm not sure. But Asher, especially, has not been himself. He seemed more overwhelmed than excited by Christmas. He kept hiding from people, and was happiest when playing alone or with just one grandparent (four of the six were there). He's just been a little off all week.

Speaking of - I have a confession to make. I lost the paci battle. Well, I actually didn't lose. Never one to admit defeat, he did learn how to nap without it, and took naps for a month without it successfully. But earlier in the week, when he wasn't feeling well, he went two days in a row without a nap all day. By the third day we were both frustrated and exhausted. The third afternoon, he talked for about twenty minutes, then went to sleep. When he woke up a few hours later, he said, "Look Mama! ORANGE paci for naptime!" He had found a paci that had been camouflaged by bedding, and accidentally left behind. He was so proud of himself. After that I let him have it at nap, because I knew he wasn't feeling well, and between the holidays, visitors, and an upcoming road trip, the kid just needs to rest. I'm choosing Leo's philosophy. We'll live to fight another day.

3. Bonding is such an interesting thing. There is a component that is natural (I would like to say instinctive, but I know that's not universally true) and instant. But every relationship is built, and every relationship needs time to grow. Part of the reason Silas's age is golden to me is that he is old enough to laugh, reach for, and play with us. He's also old enough to show a preference that is based on experience, and not just reflex. He is interacting so much more with all of us, and I love it. I love the way our relationship is growing, but I also love watching him play with Brian and "discover" his brother. He and Asher will coo and laugh at each other in the back seat (Asher imitating what Silas is doing, and Silas responding in kind). It's so sweet.

4. Brian has been noticing and commenting lately how important it is for me to have a little quiet space in my day. I need one hour in the middle of the day when nobody needs me. I don't answer the phone, and I rarely use the computer. I normally just sit very still in the living room - if it's naptime, then I watch Law and Order (nothing like a little midday murder. Ahhh). I am a new and better person if I can have one quiet hour a day. When I can't have that, I'm short and on edge by the end of the day. I didn't realize how important that hour was to my mental health until recently.

As I'm writing this down I'm seeing an overarching theme in December - comfort, peace, and rest (they're synonymous, so we'll call them one theme). That's what has been on my mind lately, and what I have been enjoying.

I wish you all the same in the coming week.