Hi.

Silas had ear surgery today. His third. When he woke up he didn't even cry this time. The nurse told me that once they've had a few under their belt, they tend to handle the anesthesia better. When we went into the recovery room he was propped up, hands behind his head, waiting patiently for us to take him home to watch his movie. He seemed unfazed by the whole thing.

So when am I supposed to get better at it?

Because four hours later I'm still jittery, even while he watches PBS Kids in the living room. The surgery was easy, necessary, and now it's over. He is totally fine, but my hands haven't steadied yet.

It's just been that kind of week in mothering my little brood.

Silas had surgery today, and lately Asher's had trouble with anxiety. I remember being an anxious five-year-old, too. Anyone know if this is just what five-year-olds (or very nearly five-year-olds) do? I would love to say more, but Asher in particular is a private little person - a private little person who now can read, and who will undoubtedly read the archives here one day. So we'll just say that Asher has had a very hard few weeks, involving many jittery tears of his own. But he is calmer, more confident, if he's with me. As Mikkee said, Bowlby and Erickson would approve.

Two weeks of steadying him, today Silas had surgery. And Emmy is cutting three teeth. Did I mention Emmy is cutting three teeth? Emmy is cutting three teeth.

I am spent.

I used to think I had a handle on mothering. Even with two under two, I assumed more would follow, a house full, busy kitchen tables and someone always coming and going. I never doubted my ability to nurture well. It wasn't until after Emmy was born that I begin to wonder, can I really do this? Not, can I feed and clothe and drop off and pick up and read and brush teeth, but can I also hear them and respond to each child thoughtfully? Can I be proactive in discipline and education and setting the emotional tone in our home? Can I do more than get through each day?

The jury's still out.

In the meantime, Silas came out of surgery okay. Asher's had a calmer few days, and the teething baby is finally napping. I'm off to do the same.