Thursday, December 02, 2010

Want to know what I think? I think God intended for the effort of a single human body completely supporting an additional, fully functioning (however tiny) other human being to be so great that the shock of devoting oneself to caring for that same little body outside of the womb begins to look appealing. In other words, I think God wants it to be this hard to be this pregnant, so that when she's ten days old and I have absolutely no idea if it's 5 a.m. or 5 p.m., I will think, at least I'm not pregnant anymore.

Having said that, I am beginning to grow excited about meeting our baby girl, for reasons having nothing to do with my own comfort. Lately I've been thinking about my other two's births, and how our lives changed - always for the better - because they were a part of it. I've started to wonder, how will our hearts be opened by this little one? What will we learn? What will we see, and appreciate, that we don't yet know? It's an exciting thought. Totally worth any momentary discomfort.

But for the record? Today Silas threw a box of wipes all over the living room (while screeching something - confetti? party? snow? something like that) just before naptime, and hand to God my eyes welled up when I saw it. I decided this was not the moment to teach him not to play with wipes (I suspect he knew, and just smelled weakness), and that the best thing I could possibly do was to keep my mouth shut. I employed his help in cleaning up the wipes, and let the whole thing go.

We'll live to fight another day.

But today was not a loss. Every morning I am praying for the grace for the day, and today, especially, that prayer was answered. Asher - budding introvert that he is - was in desperate need of down time, and this morning was declared our Family Day at Home. We played in the leaves, went for a walk, watched a full episode of Sesame Street all together, piled up in the blue chair, worked on a gingerbread house. While Silas slept, Asher made a picture (declaring, "I'll make a sculpture for Daddy, because I'm his buddy") while I did a little paperwork, piddled in his room longer than usual ... and by dinner, he was relaxed and happy again. A little time at home, with his family, and he is back to himself ... may it always be that easy to cure what ails him.

So yes. I'm utterly, thoroughly exhausted. But in all, we're doing well.

Thanks be to God.


Kendra said...

Ya know it's funny...I had SUCH a ridiculously hard time when my babies came home. I am sure a lot of it had to do with my labor - ya know, BOTH kinds of deliveries within 15 minutes of one another, general anesthesia (with an allergic reaction to boot), a blood pressure plummet, and an intubation - didn't help matters...but seriously I was in SO much pain, so exhausted and SO overwhelmed that pregnancy was dearly missed by me. I remember telling my OB at my 2 week check up "PUT THEM BACK IN!". Things seemed so much easier when I was pregnant.

Now I find myself telling women who are pregnant for the first time and bemoaning their aches "no, you have no idea what's coming! Enjoy just the difficulties of pregnancy right now! It's about to get CRAZY!!!!" HA!

In retrospect I think the majority of that is because they were my first. I had no other kids -let alone two toddlers- to chase after, and I could very easily put my feet up as soon as I got home. Heck I was ordered to cut back to part time at 24 weeks! And because it was twins and therefor a "high risk" pregnancy, I got out of grocery shopping and the like starting at about 28 weeks.

All that's to say, I could still be really selfish a lot of the time, and just meet my needs. Once the babies came, and especially because I am nursing, there is no room for selfishness. No room for luxury or excuses. Just time to man up.

I know as a mother of two little ones already, selfishness, luxury, and excuses have been gone for years already =)

Danielle said...

Your ability to not sweat the small stuff is amazing to me! I aspire to be more like you in your ability to let things go more often.

You have such wisdom and insight about so many things and that is great! You are wise beyond your years for sure (:

I'm sorry you're feeling run down but I know it must be a relief to know the end is in sight. Hang in there.

Stephanie said...

Kendra, your birth experience - followed by bringing home twins - was enough to make anyone wish for pregnancy again. =) The hardest part about bringing home the first baby is that you are not accustomed to your life revolving around another person (or people) so entirely. That part really is easier with each baby, because now you know what it's like. It's never easy to do, of course, but from here on you know what to expect.

Danielle, thanks for the compliment. I'm getting better at prioritizing, but that comes at a cost. Some things that used to be important to me just don't get done anymore.

Kendra said...

Hmmmm...that makes good sense. I think that is why even though we are in WAY over our heads with these two ( =) ) I sometimes long to do this all again...simply to not be a rookie. To have the veteran experience with a newborn...but I don't quite know if THAT is a good enough reason to bring another person into this world...

Anyways, glad you are looking forward to the newborn chaos =) I am excited for you.

Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

1) Ike STILL pulls the freaking wipes out all the freaking time. Come to think of it, he has not done it in a week or so, maybe this annoying season is finally ending.

2) Speaking of Ike. When I was in labor, the minute that kid's head popped out - not even the rest of his body, just his head - I laid back my head and said HALLELUJAH I am not pregnant anymore!! It was truly instant relief. I honestly preferred having 4 children under 4 years old, including a newborn, to be pregnant with 3 children. Or two. The degree of exhaustion is just unbelievable. At least with a newborn, if you get sleep, it actually works.

It will be much, much better soon!!