Tuesday, May 25, 2010

not done

Anywhere that I go, two little blondish curly-haired boys orbit me. They are loud. Vivacious. Full of life. Into everything. Sometimes disruptive, sometimes uncooperative, sometimes outright enthralling - but no matter what they are doing, they always catch the eye of passers-by.

Everywhere we go we hear -

"What cute little boys!"

"You've got your hands full!"

"Are they twins?" (If they are sitting next to one another in a cart, it is a reasonable question. Their faces are different, but that hair is the same.)

And, if they are screaming or thrashing in protest (as they are wont to do), I often hear, "So, are you done?"

Well, no, I'm not. Lord willing, anyway.

We just passed baby-growing season in my circle of friends (there's one more due any day, but she's the last one - everybody's nursing now, and will have another year before it's baby growing season again. If I sound crass, please know that I LOVE THIS CYCLE and I say it with nothing but love in my heart for the mystery of Creation and our ability to participate in it). Last fall and winter, when my friends were taking turns posing with tiny tiny babies in striped hospital blankets, my friend's little girl would ask, "Where is the baby in Miss Stephanie's tummy?" We would always laugh and say, "She doesn't have a baby in her tummy."

Not yet, I would think.

But when? I really didn't know. How do you decide you are ready for your life to change? Do you do it when two are in diapers, since you're already knee-deep in babyhood anyway? Do you wait until the others grow a little, and things slow down? But are those little curly-haired boys ever REALLY going to slow down? No, of course not.

The answer, for us, is - we didn't decide. God decided for us.

Today we saw a little heartbeat - a seven-and-a-half week heartbeat, which puts me having a baby sometime around Christmas (my due date is the first week of January, but so far I've never made it to my due date). Of course anything can still happen, but I've never seen a heartbeat then lost a pregnancy, so according to my personal stats - it looks like I really am going to do this all over again.

Thanks be to God.

Also, thanks be to my sweet friends, to whom I sent an email recently that said - I'm pregnant and don't want to talk about it. Please pray that I stay pregnant and don't mention this to anyone. This email will self-destruct in twenty seconds. Or something like that. My sweet friends have let me walk around with that elephant in the room for weeks, and not one of them has said a single word unless I brought it up first. Fertility and early pregnancy feels a little bit like voodoo to me - don't jinx it with happy thoughts until you know it's okay. Of course that's not the way God or babies work, but honestly, God and babies are both so mysterious to me. We all know my ridiculousness is a defense mechanism, one that would never work anyway, but my sweet friends humored me all this time.

Thanks, guys.



Danielle said...

Congratulations!! I can totally relate to your voodoo/jinxing thoughts. I have always waited to tell people just because I was afraid I might jinx myself. Like you said, that's clearly not how it works but try to tell my pea brain that!

Jessica said...

Love you!

Cindy Causey said...

You've made me smile my biggest smile today...and you're competing with Katie Causey!! So happy for you. Sending love and prayers your way...

Rachel said...

double yay! you have been glowing for weeks and now we can say it to your face. ;) love you, stephanie!

Jenia said...

Congratulations :) That would be a neat Christmas gift!

Michelle said...

we love you, elephant in the room and all :)

Jamie said...

Love you!
Love the blonde curly haired twins!

okierivermama said...

My older boys are 7 next week, and 6 as of march, 10 months apart. I waited on purpose till both were in preschool etc, and then debated forever about whether we were "done" In Feb of 08 I turned 37 and told my husband if we were going to have another it was now or never cause I had no intention of being 40 and crawling around with a baby. Spring break everywhere we went our oldest told everyone we saw that there was a baby in my tummy. We laughed and told him no it didnt work like that, etc. In April, I got a minivan never even dreaming...at the end of May I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant. My due date was Jan 5, but my water broke 12/22/08
We got to come home on the 24th. It was awesome and he is so much more fun than I remember with the first two, but I think partly that is because I was so exhausted with the first two that nothing was fun.
anyway all that was to say when its meant to happen it will and a Christmas baby is a BLAST.

Lauren said...

So happy for you! Aren't you glad God does the deciding?!

Lisa said...

Oh, congratulations, Stephanie! I love news like this. Prayers for you and your baby!!

aubrey said...

Praise be to God indeed! I am so very happy for you and for this new little one who has you and Brian for parents! How wonderful! and BTW I think you make the oh.... 20th person or so who is hearing/seeing new heartbeats! So exciting!

Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

Praising God with you friend. I'm honored to witness life unfold inside of you again. :)

buf said...

WHAT?!?!?! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

buf said...

I'm so happy!