if you're a guy, don't even bother reading this.

Saturday I went shopping. It was desperation shopping, not poking-around shopping. I need something - anything - I can wear to play outside. Cute and Pleasant spring is quickly moving into the Hot Hot Heat of summer in Alabama. And since I have been with child every summer since 2005, I have no summer clothes. I don't mean that I don't have any that I like - I have none, period.

So yesterday during nap I made a break for it, and - to my complete shock - I bought the size pants I wore in the 8th grade.

Ha!

There is irony in it, because in many ways this is the least time and attention I have given to my weight in ten years. I have been making attempts at working out, but they are much more sporadic than they were before I had children. So I thought I would share with you guys my diet - How to Go from Very Pregnant to Eighth Grade Sized Capris in 10 Easy Months. Ready?

1. Have two children as close in age as your body will allow. It does seem to help if they are both boys, given that boys don't sit still, ever.
2. Have your second child be a higher needs baby - not one to just hang out while you eat a snack.
3. Make sure (and this is key) that no matter how you try to plan meals - yours or theirs - your baby is always, always, ALWAYS hungry exactly at the moment dinner is served.
4. Marry a man with a ca-razy stomach, who can only function on a low-sodium, low-acid diet (which means mostly grilled meats and vegetables, eaten early in the evening. The lower in fat, the better).
5. In the ideal setting, there is no eat-in kitchen, so that meals consist of you feeding the baby, grabbing a bite, and getting up for more for the toddler. Over and over again.
6. In the course of pregnancy, it helps if your blood sugar will tip over into the permanently hypoglycemic range, so that sugar intake must be monitored and rationed.

That's it, guys. Two on the move, one who must be held Or Else (for the first several months - he's over that now), a husband with a special diet, and low blood sugar. That's how I've lost baby weight, plus some.

The moons will never align this way again.