1.
The truth? Asher is wearing me down. Exhausting me. Winning, as it were. The constant, never-ending testing and fighting for autonomy. The screaming at his brother. Hitting him just to see him cry, then reporting slyly, "Mama, Bro's crying." Or, alternatively, screaming again, "STOP CRYING BRO!" Stomping his foot when given directions. Fighting the car seat. Standing up in the grocery cart. Looking for loud toys when he sees me rocking Silas to sleep. It. never. stops. One thing after another, all day long, every day, and then again the next. It's wearing me out. Every single ounce of my patience is focused on remaining calm and not reacting emotionally, but calmly, consistently applying the rules. When you hit your brother you go to time-out. When you scream at me, you go to time out. When you hammer your friend, you lose the hammer. Then you go to time-out. Over and over and over again.
Whew.
So you can see why I've lost my filter. I am going to say whatever comes to mind, count on it. All my patience is devoted to two-year-olds right now, which means I have very little for anyone else. I am not angry, I am not complaining. I'm just focused. And if you're whining and you're not two years old, friend, look out.
2.
Silas has been crying since Thursday night. That may be a bit of an exaggeration - he stops occasionally to sleep or eat - but not much of one. Between that and the tantrums, I'm a bit ... wound tight, we'll say. And last night, 7:30 pm, Silas crawling around, emphatically not sleepy, and me thinking I have reached my limit (which of course is not true, but in the moment it begins to feel that way), Silas pulls up onto my chair, looks in my eyes, and says, deliberately, "Mama."
Okay. You can stay.
3.
I am constantly amazed at the healing power of relationships. Last week I called Brian and asked, "Why am I feeling this way?" By the end of the conversation I understood my own heart better, and by the end of the day - just by saying it - I felt it less. To know and be known - by God and by others - is the most basic desire of us all.
4.
I would like to hear Protestant thoughts on the idea of redemptive suffering in the Christian life. Discuss. Please.
(Ha! I just read through this and realized it sounded as though I am suffering through my children. I'm not. I am learning about the Catholic understanding of redemptive suffering, and I would like some Protestant input on the matter. Which is not in any way related to my children's (mis)behavior.)
7 comments:
I can tell you from experience, Asher is only testing to see what his limits are. The best lesson I ever got was from Dr. Dobson's "Bringing Up Boys". You and Brian might benefit from this.
Oh, your Asher story sounds all too familiar! Especially the part about intentionally making noise when baby brother is trying to fall asleep. After A woke up B three times in one nap I actually laid down on the floor and cried along with both of them...
I'm facinated to hear what you get about the suffering topic...
Good clarification! Because I was thinking just what you said. I can't comment because I only know the Catholic viewpoint. I can relate to your struggles with Asher. Olivia is starting to do similar things, and it's already driving me crazy. And we don't even have a second child yet...we are going to be in for some challenging times when that happens, I'm sure.
I suppose I'm not allowed to comment on your question about redemptive suffering, on account of your question being aimed specifically at protestants. However, I would like to hear your thoughts in a future post.
The Catholic concept of suffering was one of the *aha* moments during my conversion from evangelical protestantism to the Catholic Church. Therefore, I have an interest in this topic, particularly when protestants discuss it, as it seems to be seldomly discussed in protestant conversation.
Okay -- a word from your mom (disguised as "Mrs. Shehane") -- I don't know anything about redemption, but certainly Silas' utterance of "Mama" was reward enough.
As for Asher -- it's called TWO. He's two. My offer to keep children while you and Brian go to the beach is still open. I'll have to give you a break more often.
I think this is one of the big things about being a potential parent that scares me most. I can leave the dogs and cats at home when they annoy me and I'm not with the horses enough to want time away from them, but a baby and a child.... you can't really get away from them unless you have relatives nearby, as in, around the corner or next door.
And I'd be happy to take Asher for an hour or so some time. You can even drop him off here where he is free to make a mess that you don't have to clean up!
As for redemptive suffering, I have read that there are two pathways to the heart of God. One is prayer, the other is extreme suffering. I have not endured extreme physical suffering for a prolonged period of time, but I have endured emotional suffering, and it did lead me eventually to God. Suffering brings us to the place of deep humility, where we have to admit our own helplessness and our need for God. In that respect, it is much like prayer. The result of a deep encounter with God - whether through prayer or suffering - is an increased capacity for love of God and neighbor, which I think is at the heart of the notion of redemptive suffering. When we love, we become transformed into "soft" people, and the violence of the world, instead of richocheting off of us, is absorbed in us. The "buck" of violent words and actions stops with us. We turn the other cheek, we forgive, and in so doing, we reflect a little bit of the image of the suffering Christ to the world. Those are just a few of my thoughts on the subject, anyway, based on my own, limited experience and reading.
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