thoughts on (not) nursing

I may be filleted and skewered for this post, because what I'm about to say is not popular or politically correct. So let's begin here - opinions are like belly buttons. I'm about to show you mine, and you're welcome to show yours. But let's remember they are. Also, everyone loves their child and wants to do what's best for them. No matter what you have chosen, I have absolutely no doubt that we are both motivated by love.

So. This is how I came to be a bottle-feeding mom.

First of all, I was lucky in one respect: Georgia's Mom, my lifelong friend and two years my senior as a mother, did not nurse. Neither did my mother-in-law, who undeniably devoted her life to her children. My mom nursed one of her children and not the other. My step-mother tried to nurse, but switched quickly to a bottle. So in my immediate sphere of influence, there was not the same pressure to breastfeed other pregnant women have described. For me, nursing or bottle feeding was one more decision to make, one of a hundred new mothers face.

With Asher, it wasn't much of a debate. Simply put, I was terrified of being completely responsible for keeping him alive. The idea that if my body didn't feed him, he couldn't eat, was overwhelming. Hadn't I already felt the burden of that responsibility for the last nine months? And hadn't my body already proven itself unreliable in doing what it should be able to do? Once he got here, I needed to know he could survive without me. So that was easy enough.

Looking back, that decision was a blessing. Asher had trouble eating initially, even with a bottle, and I had complications in recovering from the c-section so that I felt miserable for a little while. I'm pretty sure that if I had tried to nurse, it would not have gone well, and I'm not sure how I would have handled feeling as though I was failing in that moment. I was emotional and neurotic enough without any mitigating circumstances.

With Silas, nursing has been considered more seriously. Like everyone else, our budget is suffering from rising gas and food prices, and formula is expensive. Also, I'm comfortable in my role now, and understand that I will be his primary caregiver, whether I nurse or not. But we have decided, once again, to bottle feed our baby. Here's why.

I understand that, in terms of nutrition and immunity, breastmilk is healthier. I also understand that, like everything else, these trends move in and out of fashion. A generation ago, nursing was not in style. Even so, Harvard graduates and Supreme Court Justices have still risen from that generation of babies, so let's not any of us pretend that either decision is harming babies. With that in mind, I honestly believe bottle feeding is the best decision for my family.

The most important reason is that bottle feeding allows Brian and I both to bond with Silas. In my experience, the only way to actually interact with a newborn is by feeding him, and if I nurse, there just aren't many opportunities for Brian to care for him at that age. Because I was drugged and semi-conscious at the time, Brian gave Asher his first bottle and changed his first diaper. From that point forward, there was never an assumption that Asher was my sole responsibility. If we are both at home, we are both taking care of him. I love this. I love that Brian was able to bond and establish his own relationship with his son apart from me. The ability to do so is important to both of us.

The flip side is that we can also share the more demanding aspects of caring for a newborn. Once Asher's routine was established, Brian and I were able to get into a routine, too, so that both of us had six hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. Brian has never once said, "I can't get up with the baby. I have to work in the morning," (and for this he deserves a Klondike bar). We both take our work and our sleep seriously, and a person can function on six hours of sleep. It's the hour and a half (or half an hour) at a time, for weeks at a time, that will leave me groveling and irrational. I can't imagine not being able to share that responsibility with him.

I also think bottle feeding will help Asher transition into being a brother. It will be hard enough not to be able to pick him up for six weeks. If Brian could not feed Silas, too, Asher would become primarily his responsibility, and Silas would become mine. Asher is bonded to his mama, as I'm sure you have noticed, and it's going to be hard enough to share my attention and time. To more or less lose it would break both of our hearts.

The last reason is a minor one, but still worth mentioning. I've had four pregnancies in three years. I want my body back. I'm bewildered by a culture that puts equal demands on breasts as sexual objects and a function of mothering, and I'm not entirely comfortable with the switch. This private, sensitive part of my body, that I've been taught to cover up, is now supposed to be exposed and utilized at two hour intervals every day for the next year? Maybe that sounds selfish - maybe it is selfish. If I hadn't sacrificed heart and soul and waistline and career for my children, maybe I would feel selfish. But I am confident in my love for my babies. My boobs, at least, can be my own.

What about you? What did you do?