thoughts on parenting

Many of my friends who read this are not parents, so you may not be aware of the obsessive nature of motherhood. There's a hazy line between conscientious and neurotic. If I'm not careful, parenting begins to feel like a multiple choice test. There are several options, but there is one right answer and three wrongs. If I believe the hype, my life as a parent becomes about trying to thread the needle of my child's psyche. The goal, it seems, is to build a bright (but not nerdy), cute (but not cutesy), confident (but not conceited), vocal (but only when it's appropriate), obedient (but not robotic) child.

Right.

In our current post-miscarriage, pre-moving, sleep-losing, food-defying stage of life, I am learning something valuable. It's never going to be perfect. The perfect day that I spent several months constantly obsessing over? In which he takes two solid naps, eats full meals, goes to bed without complaint, and doesn't pull any blunt object over onto his head? It isn't possible. Because he's only human. No matter what I do as a parent, he's going to have faults and weaknesses, just like everyone else. He's entitled to a bad day, he's entitled to gag if he doesn't like his food. He even gets to decide whether or not he sleeps (though I get to decide when he's in his bed). Perfect is never going to happen. So be it.

Parenting theories are fine. But we aren't talking about an algebraic equation - we're talking about a person. With his own temperament and personality and responses and sense of humor and imagination and curiosity. Would I want him to be anything else? Of course not. So why am I responding as if his personality is a problem that can be solved? Why am I sighing at the things that make him who he is?

Recently I've had a few friends who have been criticized for their parenting decisions in public. It hasn't yet happened to me (only because my baby is too young - my time is coming, I'm sure), but whenever I hear stories like theirs, it makes me want to rant. Though this isn't universally true, about my friends I can safely say: We all love our babies more than we know how to express. And we're all doing the best we know to do, making the best decision we possibly can in any given moment, feeling the constant pressure of wanting to do the right thing and not having time to deliberate.

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are raising their babies in love.

Amen.