I have been asked to comment here on Bill Maher's segment on breastfeeding. If you scroll down the Maher clip is its own post.
I would like to write something thought provoking and eloquent, but almost every time I approach a parenting topic, I come off as defensive. Which probably means I AM defensive, sadly. It's hard not to be - as my friend Halle said once, parenting is the one thing I want to do well in my lifetime. Me too, Halle.
I never nursed. Never wanted to, never tried (I was asked three different times about this yesterday - weird, huh? As if I did something interesting by bottle feeding). We talked about it when I was pregnant, and decided against it. I wanted Brian to be able to bond with Asher, too, by being a part of caring for him. It wasn't really about sharing responsibility so that I could get a break (though we do, and I'm thankful for it). I just didn't want Brian to be left out of the first few months of his life, when feeding is one of the few ways you get to interact with a baby. Also, if I am honest, the prospect of my body being wholly responsible for nourishing another life was more daunting than the prospect of birthing a baby while living in my parents' spare bedroom. And that's saying something.
But, as others have said, I am thankful to live in a society where I get to choose. And because I'm an American (and not Chinese, as Maher pointed out - do you really want to talk about parenting options in China, Bill? Is this really a goal for which we should strive?), I even get to choose if I want to follow in the footsteps of the Duggars (www.jimbob.info - no clue why blogger is not cooperating this morning) and have 17 children (as an aside - it is fascinating to me how angry people get when they hear about large families. Parents of large families understand children and raising them differently than mainstream society. How is that an insult to you? I don't get it. But I digress), though I don't imagine that will be my path in life. For one thing, I don't trust my body with that many pregnancies. My track record's not good, in case you haven't heard. My point is I have been blessed to be born in a society where it's my choice how and when and if I have a family, and how and when I care for them. Yesterday I fed my baby sweet potatoes sitting on the middle console of a Civic, turning the spoon around and over for every bite, and pulling a muscle in my back. It was a messy choice, but it was mine. Bill Maher gets to choose to make his living by insulting others, and I get to choose how to feed my baby. Everybody goes home happy.
I don't deserve a medal. Was it Aristaeus that mentioned recently how the most personal experiences are also the most universal? I've thought about how true that statement is since I heard it. A baby is born every minute of every day. Does that make mine any less valuable to me? Absolutely not. I'm not asking for Bill Maher's applause, though I am occasionally guilty of asking for yours.
But Maher was right about one thing - our "causes" are mostly narcissistic. And the repeal on the nerd tax? That's just good television.
8 comments:
I chose not to breastfeed for exactly the same reasons, before my girls were born. Once I was dx with postpartum depression, I was grateful that we had made this decision....not simply because I needed to take medication...but also because breastfeeding and all that it entailed would have been even more overwhelming. My post is much more defensive than yours...mostly because a lot of judgment rained down on me over my decision...judgment that is still shared with me today, even though my "babies" are 7 and 10. This was a great post...very honest...and very much appreciated.
I alternate between wishing I had tried to b-feed with David and being content with my decision. I tried, as you know, with Haydn and my depression overwhelmed to the point that I quit. But I am militant about protecting the rights of breastfeeding mothers. Maybe, in some way, I feel like that will make up for what I see (on bad days) as one of my fairlures.
The repeal on the nerd tax made me laugh over my Chinese noodles.
As for the right to choice when it comes to breast-feeding - in my opinion, if you didn't birth or make that baby, its none of your buisness! The feeding of a child is exteremly intimate - by breast or bottle. I can remember being 10 years old holding my brand new brother, feeing him a bottle, and it made sound weird, but there was absolutly a bond there, in caring for a little life. 16 years later, I am still very protective of my little brother. So I think your decision to bottle feed so that Brian can share in that joy of bonding is a beautiful one!!
There is one thing I will say about breast-feeding though. It is totally the mother's God-given right should she choose. Just please, for the love of all things sacred, keep that bonding moment between the two of you. Working in a restaraunt I was always amazed at ease women felt at exposing themselves in a crowded venue, without so much as the protection of a cloth! There was one woman in particular who was a regular. She would come in, sit down, breast-feed her child, the child would finish, jump down and run to the bathroom, then come back and eat her carrot and celery sticks. Really? I'm pretty sure teeth is the sign its time to move on. And I know I told you about the presenter I had in NYC who, while leading a VERY deep and serious presentation about poverty, breast-fed without any coverup! It is absolutly the woman's right to choose. It is also my right to eat or listen without having to avert my eyes.
Liz,
If it is the woman's right to choose, then why are you judging someone for breastfeeding a child with teeth? The AAP recommends breastfeeding for a year, and even my kids (who are among the world's latest teethers) had a couple of teeth before they were a year old.
I waited tables, too, and I'd sure prefer a fed, quiet child to a baby who suddenly decides he is hungry yet again and is screaming for food. You can only cover up so much, because most kids won't stand for it, and there is no restaurant meal fast enough (outside Micky D's) to fit in between the feedings my newborns needed.
That said, I actually only breastfed in public for a few months with each kid because they got so distractable that it had to be in the quiet of their own room. Actually, in dim light. Otherwise, they would scream from hunger but be unable to focus on eating. Nonetheless, I love that some babies actually let their mothers get out in public.
Madame Rubies has my undying respect for wanting to protect the rights of people to do something she did not do herself. It is not about making up for your failures; it is about protect the rights of parents to raise their children in the best way they can.
Stephanie, thank you for posting this. I wanted to create a space where posts of all types linked in. It took courage for you to allow me to link to this given my obvious bias in favor of breastfeeding.
And, I hope you were wearing a raincoat because sweet potatoes can get messy.
I think it is OK that causes are narcissistic (cannot spell). After all, the gay rights movement ended up helping AIDS victims in Africa. My causes all relate to me in some way. That's what makes us human -- trying to help others who have problems with which we can identify.
Sorry for the crazy long comment -- I always seem to have lots to say to you!
emily - i meant no disrespect or judgement from my end, so please do not take it as such. its just, there has to be a line somewhere, right? this child was 4 years old when the family started coming in. she was 5 and getting ready to start school when i left, and still breast-feeding. i have heard of cases where a mother was charged with child abuse for breast-feeding for too long. so where is the line? when does mother's choice become determental the child's health?
also, i love families. i have nothing against bringing children to restaraunts - just please be mindful of those around you who chose to come out to not be around kids. they dont want to see a mother breast-feeding anymore than i want to see someone talking on their cell phone while their date sits bored across the table!!
Hey there, just stopping in via the link on Emily's page. Thanks for writing this post. I'm really enjoying reading all of the different perspectives on it. I like that blogging allows room for differences of opinion.
Liz,
Have you read *Song of Solomon*? I always think of Milkman when I head of kids who breastfeed for that long. But, I guess everyone does it differently. No matter what a person decides, she will be judged by someone.
Emily, do you mean the Bible Book or is there another book called that as well?
On bfeeding:
Although I think that that bfeeding choices are up to the parents, I don't like seeing "the boob" in public. Breastfeeding IS beautiful, but I'd be lying if I said seeing it didn't make me uncomfortable to see someone I don't know. I can remember seeing it as a child and feeling that way before I knew exactly what it really was. Maybe it was the way I was raised... I dunno. However, when I nannied in my home I did not mind seeing my friend feed her little one before she left, or when I visited her, but I'm not sure I could've had lunch with her while she was bfeeding. It is an intimate, special moment that I am not part of and I don't really feel that I am meant to be a part. I would like a choice to wheither or not I am part of someone else's intimate moments. It doesn't make me sick to watch it, but it is SOMEWHAT like seeing someone kiss in public or have an emotional conversation about how they want to end a marriage with someone else in public. Not profane at all, I just would rather have a choice to be part of it when in public. Neither is wrong, bad, illegal but very, very personal. If someone has a choice to display their intimate moments in public, do I get a choice to not be part of it, too?
Just a thought.
I don't have kids yet, so what do I know. I am speaking fromt he point of view that some of us without children may have. I may change my mind later on, if I am blessed with one of my own.
Yes, I do plan on bfeeding for my child, but also pumping so my husband can feed, or anyone who comes to help care for my baby. My plans could change once I really have one, though.
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