I prefer my blog to be a commentary on my life, not a daily diary. But there are times that require actual information; otherwise, my opinions or thoughts start to sound cryptic and downright silly after a while. Context matters.
Also, there are some oddities and ironies to this moment that, were they written in a story, would be too far-fetched to believe. So here are a few facts that will probably be a necessary context for the next few months.
Believe it or not -
July 5, 2005, I found out I was pregnant. I was elated and naive and it never occurred to me to be worried, so I told everyone standing still that I was going to have a baby. It didn't happen that way; August 1, 2005, I miscarried.
Fast forward - through sadness, Kansas, Everyone's Favorite Coffe Shop, prayers of those more faithful than me, and YAY! a healthy pregnancy. That ended on December 19, 2006, with the birth of my happy boy.
And then it's now. Well, not now - July 5, 2007. I was starting to suspect I could be pregnant, but it wasn't confirmed for a few more days. I fretted over the timing but settled down once I had positive test results. HCG was fine, progesterone was fine; I had a healthy, albeit young, pregnancy. Until last Thursday, when I started having symptoms that gave cause for concern (I'm not squeamish, just aware of the mixed company in the room). My fears were confirmed on Friday, then today, when I saw the doctor. I'm having a D&C tomorrow.
Tomorrow, August 1, 2007.
So, there you have it. There's really nothing to say, so don't worry. I'm not expecting anything from you. But I know myself well enough to know this will be the source of my commentary the next few months, and I wanted to avoid the silliness of talking around something unnecessarily.
It's a sad day. Sad, but not unbearable. I have Asher. I have both a physical and spiritual family that love me, and that I love. I have faith in a God bigger than sad days, whom I won't pretend to understand. And I have Brian. That's a lot.
In a way, tomorrow will be a relief. It will be over. And the commentary can begin.
9 comments:
I'm sorry, Stephanie. Really.
I've just said a prayer for you and I'll continue to do so tomorrow.
Stephanie - you are such a woman of courage - I am always amazing by you. I am praying for you and Brian and Asher tomorrow, and always. I love you.
Well, I am sure you can think of more pleasant ways to spend August 1. But, since you aren't spending today eating Ben & Jerry's, watching bad television, or getting a pedicure, you need to do one of those things tomorrow. Seriously. You deserve it.
Sending you hugs.
As the mixed company in the room, I'll chime in. I know what you're going through - my wife and I were there a couple of years ago. I'll be praying for you.
I am having a tough time with God lately. I got through lsoing Nattie. I shoved away the thoughts of you miscarrying this time. Then, I got through starting waitressing and my air breaking AGAIN in the van. However, then my friend called to tell me how crappy her "court date" was and it really feels lik she is living Job's life right now and then I found out I have an impacted wisdom tooth... and my son is going around singing, "Oh no, You never let go... through the calm and through the storm..." and all I can think it, "Sometimes, You let go God. At least, it looks and feels like You let go, and how are we supposed to deal with we feel let go?"
So, please, so share your commentary. You always manage to help me think things through and lately I can't. Lately being the last 2 days. I am pissed for you and my friend Jobette and for myself and for just about everyone else in the world who so much as stubs their tow, just b/c I suddenly feel like letting myself be angry.
Sorry for blogging your comments. I love you!!!
ahem... "toe" And well, I misspelled half of that and rambled without making any sense. I'm sorry. It made perfect sense in my head.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you. All our love!
Yall are in my prayers ...
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