Wednesday, October 04, 2006

... or just a stirring in my soul

I feel like I used to be a basically interesting person. I used to have thoughts worth writing down and sharing (or not sharing, depending on what they were), and read new books and listen to new music and do new things. I used to care enough to argue about an idea, or at least form an opinion about it. You guys know this, right? We had some of those arguments here, or on the phone, or walking the dog, or in restaurants in various Southern states. I used to have something to say, if not something to prove. I used to be stirred up by things.

Not anymore.

The truth is, I'm just too tired to talk anymore. Not just physically tired (that's actually been a little better in the past few weeks), but bone-weary from the past year. And if I'm this tired, you can only imagine how tired Brian is ... Brian, who, a year later, is STILL applying for jobs so that he can support his family, while working three part-time jobs in the meantime. Who will be thirty on Friday (and who has SUCH a cool birthday giftie from me, though I can't tell you what it is yet). We're both just ... tired.

And the funny thing? Is that this isn't an altogether bad change.

Scripture says that we're in a good place ... blessed are the poor in spirit, come to me you who are weary, and all that. But a good spiritual position isn't really an enviable one. Usually people in Scripture who were in a good spiritual position were either stoned or healed shortly thereafter. But we're not martyrs, and we're not doomed. We're just waiting for this season to pass, for things to come together, as they always do.

Joy and perseverance, right? That's how this baby got his name, because that's the season into which he has entered our lives. Perseverance is gathered in the doing, and joy, like peace, is a condition of the soul. I guess that, like many of you, I've exchanged talking about life for doing it. I'll admit that talking was easier, and more fun. And I got to do it face-to-face with most of you, which was probably the best part of all of it. My life really isn't like that anymore.

I told Kimberly tonight, one day we'll have great stories from all of this. But I wonder, when I get to the "after" of this particular season, will I spend my time talking about what I used to do, or will I be busy doing the next thing? Life doesn't move backwards. When this is over, what will get me stirred up?


Lane said...

hmm...excellent quote...doing life instead of talking about it. Very much sums up many parts of life right now.

I will return your husband's calls very should tell him I'm not avoiding him, I'm just living!

mary said...

And you should tell him that Lane forgets to plug his phone in or ever take it with him anywhere AND that Brian's msg tonight about financial aid made us both laugh out loud.

Here's to the living. I do most of it in a book these days, but it is more living than I've done in a while and it is good.

Nick M. said...

Thanks for sharing where you are with us. I've been praying for you all throughout all of this, and I know God is taking care of you. Keep the faith, and the rest will come.

Liz said...

Stephanie, you were and ARE an interesting person!! I still CRAVE conversation with you. Your wisdom, discernment and patience never cease to amaze me! It is ok to be too tired to talk. Enjoy the silence. "Be still, and know that I am God." This may be your season to be still. I'm glad you are doing life. Doing life means trusting God, even if it means moving back to Alabama. Doing life means getting ready to raise a baby. Doing life, talking about doing life, Stephanie, you are are living and speaking it well.

buf said...

I agree Steph, you ARE very interesting and full of wisdome...etc.etc, but if you think it's bad NOW, wait until you realize that MOST of your conversations are about the color of Asher's poo, or how he's sleeping at night, or what percentile he's in, or if his little belly button stump has fallen off...THEN, you'll REALLY wonder if you're interesting or if you can even THINK about anything other than the 8 or 10 or 12 pound baby...but it's a GREAT new phase, and one that you should enjoy as long as possible!

Heather said...

Motherhood will do some stirring, I am sure. It takes more to get me stirred up too, but this past week has done it, so I know it can still happen.

PS I still find you interesting. More interesting than me.

buf said...

that comment about Asher's poo was by Carrie, who never remembers to let people know it's her talking! -- jane'

buf said...

this is janet, I LOVE poo.

buf said...

this is Carrie and I love poo MORE! than anybody else does.