I've had the easiest pregnancy in the world. Seriously. Aside from being tired beyond description for the first twelve weeks, I've had such an easy pregnancy ("So far," my mother would add) that there's really nothing more to say about it. I haven't been sick, I've had no complications, all of the pregnancy milestones have been met on time (But I think it's because God knew my limits. There's no way I could have thrown up every day ON TOP of all of the other stress that we've had in the past six months. I would have cracked).
So my thoughts on pregnancy aren't that interesting. It's been fun. Based on my 20 weeks worth of experience, so far I'd recommend it. But now that we know he's a boy, I'm starting to think more seriously about the actual PERSON, and not just about the CONCEPT of a baby. And that thought completely overwhelms me. The constancy of parenthood overwhelms me. He will live with us. LIVE with us. Every time I step out of the house, I have to have a plan that includes him. I remember being scared about signing a mortgage, because it meant that a piece of property was OURS. The buck stopped with us. But lawns and roofs are nothing compared to another person's LIFE.
In addition, there are just so many decisions to make. What size clothes will he need in the winter? (Well, it depends on how big he is when he's born, doesn't it? But shouldn't I buy clothes BEFORE he gets here? Seems logical.) What about baby GEAR? How am I supposed to know what kind of bottle/ high chair/ bath chair/ bouncy seat/ car seat he needs? And isn't the baby industry counting on my ignorance, so that I buy entirely too much STUFF and our house becomes strewn with baby garb?
Couple that with all of the major life decisions we are trying to make right now, and it gets much worse. How do we keep from raising a brat? This is a major concern of ours - we'd like to have a child that other people enjoy being around. But how does that happen? I know it when I see it, but I have no idea how to raise good kids. And am I going to work? Well, I don't know yet if I NEED to work, because we're not 100% sure about Brian's income. Nor do we know what our expenses will be, because we haven't moved in yet and how are we supposed to know exactly how much a baby will cost, anyway? If I do work, there are major stressors that go along with that (like childcare and guilt). If I don't work, though, that has its own major stressors (like isolation and money stress). I feel like every single day I'm making a decision that is going to affect the rest of my life. It makes me want to hide under a rock.
So I just want to say, for the record, I don't know. I don't know about baby gear. I don't know about routines, or bottles, or working while he's little. I don't know anything at all about being a parent, or how I'm going to handle tantrums or sleeplessness. I don't know, I don't know, I DON'T KNOW.
But I do know that all children are a blessing. And that we've waited a long time for him to get here. And that, for as much as I'm unprepared (and believe me, I am NOT prepared), I can't wait to see him. I don't know anything about being a parent, but I know that I want, more than anything, to be one.
For now, that's enough.