moving on

So we're almost ready to move forward, and that means it's time for me to make a decision about my career. Which really shouldn't be that big of a deal ... I have a degree and a field of choice and experience in that field and contacts and whatnot, so it stands to reason that I should just make some calls and start looking for a job. But it isn't that easy, or, at least, I'm not letting it be that easy. Because my chosen field, as much as I enjoy it, means that I am spending eight hours every day in a world that I am not a part of, putting energy into people who are doing what I actually want to be doing, but can't (at this point). It's a little like a woman who wants to be married choosing to work at a bridal shop. Why do you want to do that to yourself? And how do you do that without becoming bitter? Hence, for now, I'm a barista.

So do I stay a barista? Because I'm not promised anything. What if I'm wasting time as a barista that I could be putting toward learning something new? What if what I want never actually happens? Am I going to be a barista indefinitely, and spend the next ten years waiting for my life to start? If I had a friend who wanted to get married, but had no guarantees of that, I would tell her to keep living the life she wanted to live until she needed to make a change. So why is it so hard to follow my own advice? At the same time, what if I start working toward something new, and then what I originally wanted does happen? I'd be stuck, unable to do what I originally wanted because now I've committed my energy to something else. But, at present, I'm stuck waiting to see if what I want is going to happen. Either way, I feel stuck.

Brian keeps saying (and he's right) that I can't let my life revolve around something that doesn't exist. I need to make the most of the time that I have now, and deal with each new thing as it happens. I get that logic, and I really want to follow it, but, in this situation, I don't know how. I can't just decide I'm going to think about something else for a while. If I could, I would. At the same time, how long am I going to make it as a barista, really, once our lives are back in order? I know myself better than that. I'm going to get bored, and downtime leads to more time to think about what I'm doing or not doing or could be doing instead.

So here I sit, in limbo. If I can't do what I really want to do, what else should I do? And then how do I get excited about doing something - anything - other than what I really want to be doing?