As you may have guessed, last week was pretty bad, particularly last Tuesday. I wrote this last Wednesday, and even though it's a little outdated now, I thought I'd post it anyway.
1. I am pretty good at lying to myself. Whenever there is an internal problem, I put it off on something external … if only I lived somewhere else, or had a different job, or had friends close by, etc … when, in reality, how I feel has nothing to do with any of those things. I had a minor breakdown last night (a cathartic moment, if you will), and I realized something important. It wouldn't matter where I lived right now, or who lived in my neighborhood, or how much money we were making, or whether I loved my job … there is nothing external that would resolve how I'm feeling. It's time for me to stop blaming other people for my own stuff.
Having said that, Birmingham is a nice city. I really never gave it a chance. If nothing works out with a church, maybe I wouldn't mind trying it again.
2. Suffering increases our capacity to feel everything, not just pain. I picture what started as a very small circle being carved out concentrically, wider and wider. Whatever measure of hurt or frustration I feel, I am also now able to feel in compassion, love, patience, peace. And while it would be nice to be ignorant and happy, I’m thankful for the fruit of this season.
3. Mike Bickle describes fasting as an intentional submission to physical weakness in order to increase our capacity to receive in the spiritual realm. It doesn't win us favor with God, but it allows us to need God more, and, therefore, to be more open to the Holy Spirit. Suffering does the same thing; it is the reality that fasting mimics. Because I need God in order to function, He has the opportunity to work supernaturally more often in my life.
4. I honestly have the most gracious, patient, generous, humble husband ever. I can't say enough good things about him … and I'm not usually one to say it publicly. I married well.
5. Janet sent me The Fact of a Doorframe, by Adrienne Rich, which was a really thoughtful gift. I spent the afternoon reading poetry (so good). Expect more from Ms. Rich soon.
6. I'm growing in my barista skills, for those who were concerned. It's nice to get to do some of the more complicated jobs, and not be stuck behind a cash register looking for the "breve" button all day.
7. High on Saturday in KC - 19'. High in South Florida - 76'. I had to dig around for the short-sleeved shirts that somehow made the short list for the suitcase when I drove up after Christmas. I'm glad now that I was a little excessive, or I wouldn't have had anything to pack for Florida. Who knew I'd be going to Florida before I went home again …
8. Before my life took its most recent spin, I was thinking/ learning about wisdom. When things settle down, hopefully I can come back to that thought, because it would have been fun to talk with you all about it.
1 comment:
I'm glad you like the book :) And while I agree that you can't put off interal unhappiness on your surroundings or the people or the neighborhood - sometimes being removed from a situation DOES help, in that it helps you see more clearly. Objectivity from the outside, like. Also, people who say "you can be happy anywhere" ... bah. I chose my own happiness, not the one that was handed to me. That's just me, though :) -- JAB
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