a day in the life of

So here's mine:

Me (picking up the telephone, pouring a latte and answering the drivethrough buzz, simultaneously):
Coffee-Shop-on-Zelda-Road-this-is-Stephanie-How-can-I-help-you?

On the other end: Uh, is Antowan there?

Me: I'm sorry, he's not. Can I help you with something?

Him: Crap.

Silence.

Him: Uh, do YOU know how to make my drink?

Silence.

Me: Are you the white mocha?

Him: Yeah!

Me: You want a triple venti ten pump stirred white mocha with whipped cream and caramel drizzle on top.

Him: When are they supposed to stir it?

Me: Before the whipped cream.

Him: And that will get rid of the crappy taste?

Me: Yes.

Him: Ok. Thank you.

I KID YOU NOT.

I need a personal assistant.

Not full-time - maybe 10 hours a week, just for a few months. He will need to clean out the nursery and finish hanging pictures and get all of our sundry paperworkyTHINGS in order. Then he will need to go to the post office and the bank and the pharmacy. He'll need to clean out my car and get the house ready for company and cook the roast that's in the freezer. That should get me caught up for the week.

I need a personal assistant, not because I'm too busy for these things, but because coffee shops and unborn children require all of my energy. Still! I thought this was supposed to get better after the first trimester? I was told that I would have a burst of energy, that would be directed specifically toward my home. Nope. No nesting for me - not so far, anyway.

I need a personal assistant, but I can't afford one. So, what I really need is a missionary, searching for ways to serve God by serving others. Man, I've got about 60 hours worth of outreach just waiting on him. Send your high school kids to me, youth ministers. Teach them about humility in love and serving their neighbor. I'll get the to-do list ready.

Part II - prayer and real life

Part I is here.

I am listening to music (A Beautiful Collision, by David Crowder Band) that makes me think of cold sunshine and the prayer room, thinking about what just happened (i.e., the past year). In many ways, I feel as though if this past year has been a test (and it has), then I've failed. Maybe it's that I haven't failed, but that adversity exposes true character, and I am not sure I liked what I've seen. I didn't always believe God is good, or trust that He was going to take care of us. I have less patience than ever for other Christians and/or cultural religion, and I am less certain than ever of what "God's will" or "God's kingdom" actually means. I'm more cynical, more negative (some would say "more realistic," but I don't want to think of it that way).

I talked in Part I about prayer as a vehicle for God's will to be done on earth. I still believe that. I don't want to be a person who uses God as a cop-out for personal responsibility, nor do I want to view prayer - or faith, for that matter - as a way to make my life more comfortable. Since I've been pregnant, I've become so self-centered. The best example I can offer of this happened yesterday, when a fellow barista asked me about the cash register and I started talking about baby registry. Clearly my mind was not on coffee or registers or anything except my own little universe. I think mine is a natural response to what felt like a crisis - homeless and jobless and about to be parents is a little scary, to be sure. BUT GOD IS TAKING CARE OF US. Brian has not one but THREE jobs right now. He really likes what he is doing and still has time at home (somehow). We have health insurance and a place to live that includes a nursery. God used other believers to pay for us to move in and set up house, which in itself feels supernatural. It's time for me to come out of this, to stop being so self-centered and pay attention to what's going on around me. It's time for me to come back to the real world.

Except I'm not really sure what that looks like, after our experiences of the past year (by the way, I've begun to think of it as the Blue Highway Year, in honor of Greg's discussions about adventure and "blue highways" as a mindset more than a book or a class). Where is the balance between faith that God is able to do something, and the reality that we live in a fallen world where people get divorced or get sick and die? Between trusting God to provide and using the gifts and abilities God has given us to take care of ourselves? And how do I love and serve people who see God differently without believing, deep down, that my way of thinking is better? What I'm really asking is, how do I live out what I believe?

But I already know the answer to my own question - apart from the Holy Spirit, none of this is possible. I will ALWAYS be self-centered, I will always only pray for things that benefit me. Apart from God, I'll never change. But if I ask God to change me, and submit to the work of the Holy Spirit, then, thankfully, I will not always be who I am now. If I am willing, God will change me.

piddling

I don't think I have words to describe how much I LOVE SATURDAY MORNINGS. I love love love to piddle, but I'm not a natural piddler. Piddling has certain environmental requirements for me - MY OWN reasonably neat home, sunshine, and no pressing deadlines, to name a few. Iced tea and walkable neighborhoods are also preferred. When I woke up this morning, I realized all of my requirements have been met. I don't have to work, the house is in general working order (although the finer points - picture frames and candles and such - still remain in boxes behind a shut door that will probably stay shut for another weekend), and I have no plans. So here I sit, listening to Bruce Springsteen, banana bread in the oven, reveling in my ability to piddle this Saturday morning.

For the first time in a year, I feel like I have the wherewithall to complete a thought.

weird.

I had this dream last night that Asher was already here. But sometimes he was a baby, and sometimes he was a babyDOLL. Brian and I were on a subway (we must have been going to visit Lane and Mary?) and I look down and I'm holding the doll, not the kid. So, of course, I become concerned. I go back to the house, where another couple is living with us (this couple from church, that I only vaguely know). They hand me Asher, only he has turned into a cup of EVERYONE'S FAVORITE COFFEE (complete with the white cup and green logo, so as not to be confused with artificial coffee). Which is of great concern to me, of course. I start asking, "How do I turn him back into a boy?" But nobody knew. I tried pouring him into a diaper, and that didn't work. So I'm walking around with a cup of coffee that used to be my baby, trying to figure out what to do. As I woke up - I do not lie when I say this - I heard Pinocchio's voice saying, "I'm a real boy!"

Wow. That was a weird dream.

In unrelated news, Emily and Baby Ledford came into the coffee shop today to see me. I didn't realize she was coming to Alabama, so I was supersurprised to see her walking into my little store. Seeing someone that thin, who has a 7-month-old child, gives me hope that I may shrink back to my normal size one day.

a call to friends more computer literate than myself

On my home computer, when I click the icon to add pictures, nothing happens. Why? How do I fix it?

my homework

Top ten songs on the last CD left in the world, or something.

1. My Everything, by the IHOP band. This is just the first title from the IHOP band that came to mind. In reality, I'd like to just be with the IHOP band (the Friday night/ Tuesday morning worship team at the International House of Prayer - affectionately known as "The A-Team" in our house) during this supposed musical apocalypse, and then I wouldn't have to choose just one. But for argument's sake ...

2. Bravery, by Charlie Hall. It reminds me of all things pure and genuine about faith.

3. a song by Chopin that is known in my house as "The Raindrop Sonata." I don't know its actual name. When I was a kid my mom would play the piano for us at night sometimes. This song was my favorite - I have an entire storyline in my head connected to it, that I'd always tweak while dozing off. Good times.

4. Closer to Fine, by the Indigo Girls. Emily is right - there's something about singing loud with your friends in the car, and this is my song for that.

5. Mother of God, by Patty Griffin. Because it's pretty.

6. Beautiful Day, by U2. Because I'm going to need some U2 to get me by.

7. Something in the Way She Moves, by James Taylor. But only if Brian survives the music apocalypse (do musicians count? Have they been annihilated, too?).

8. A Day in the Life, by the Beatles. Because I like it.

9. Out of the Woods, by Nickel Creek. This song reminds me of the season in my life when I began to actually enjoy being alone, rather than just tolerating it.

10. A recording of Georgia singing herself a lullaby ("Rock-a-bye Georgie on the treetops," she says). Because it is the cutest thing EVER (at least until I meet Asher Paul).

The Way I See It, #121

"Isn't it funny that no matter what your political position, you're a conservative when it comes to what you want for your children? Both parties want to own them, even fringies extol them, but at heart, the values are conservative with a small "c" - a happy, monogamous marriage, a wholesome environment, a reliable job and a loving relationship with the family."

- Diane Medved, PhD
psychologist and author

finally.

We're moving into our own apartment tomorrow.

Tomorrow we end (or start, depending on your perspective) our little adventure. Even though it's not what we had originally planned, I am so glad for the way things have worked out. Brian and I will both be doing what we want to do and living in our own place again. Best of all, starting tomorrow, I can start to put together a nursery. Which is good, because we're past the halfway mark. In less than twenty weeks, Asher Paul will be here.

Yay.

books - because I was tagged

I did something similar to this several months ago, but that's ok. I'll do it again.

One Book That Changed Your Life:

The Bible. Isn't that cliche? How about this - specifically, The Sermon on the Mount (Matt 5-8, I think).


One Book You’ve Read More Than Once:

Bag of Bones, by Stephen King (I love that book). The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver. White Oleander, by Janet Fitch. Those are the first ones that come to mind - I agree with Valerie, in the idea of familiar books bringing comfort.


One Book You’d Want On A Desert Island:

I'd rather be stranded with Brian than with a book. But if you're asking about a book, I'd prefer a Bible. Or Valerie's borrowed copy on Desert Island Survival.

One Book That Made You Laugh:

Traveling Mercies, by Ann Lamott, was hysterical. The part about the cupcakes and her dog made me laugh so hard that I was compelled to read it again, then read it aloud to Brian. Eating the Cheshire Cat is also superfunny.

One Book That Made You Cry:

Of Mice and Men, by John Steinbeck, made me cry IN CLASS when I was in high school. It's so good.

One Book You Wish Had Been Written:

I really can't think of a single book I'd like to read that doesn't exist. There are books about EVERY THING.


One Book You Wish Hadn’t Been Written:

I don't know about a book ... One Movie I Wish I Hadn't Seen was Trainspotting. But that wasn't the question. Hmm ... I'm not much of a fan of Christian romance. If we wiped out that genre, my quality of life would not change. So I'll go with that.


One Book That You’re Currently Reading:

On Becoming Babywise (I forget the author). Next in line is Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World. Obviously, my mind is not on fiction right now ...

One Book You’ve Been Meaning to Read:

The Wicked series looks intriguing to me. I don't know why I don't just pick it up and read it, but (at this point) I haven't.


Passing This On to:

Aubrey

Stephanie

Melinda

on preparation

I've had the easiest pregnancy in the world. Seriously. Aside from being tired beyond description for the first twelve weeks, I've had such an easy pregnancy ("So far," my mother would add) that there's really nothing more to say about it. I haven't been sick, I've had no complications, all of the pregnancy milestones have been met on time (But I think it's because God knew my limits. There's no way I could have thrown up every day ON TOP of all of the other stress that we've had in the past six months. I would have cracked).

So my thoughts on pregnancy aren't that interesting. It's been fun. Based on my 20 weeks worth of experience, so far I'd recommend it. But now that we know he's a boy, I'm starting to think more seriously about the actual PERSON, and not just about the CONCEPT of a baby. And that thought completely overwhelms me. The constancy of parenthood overwhelms me. He will live with us. LIVE with us. Every time I step out of the house, I have to have a plan that includes him. I remember being scared about signing a mortgage, because it meant that a piece of property was OURS. The buck stopped with us. But lawns and roofs are nothing compared to another person's LIFE.

In addition, there are just so many decisions to make. What size clothes will he need in the winter? (Well, it depends on how big he is when he's born, doesn't it? But shouldn't I buy clothes BEFORE he gets here? Seems logical.) What about baby GEAR? How am I supposed to know what kind of bottle/ high chair/ bath chair/ bouncy seat/ car seat he needs? And isn't the baby industry counting on my ignorance, so that I buy entirely too much STUFF and our house becomes strewn with baby garb?

Couple that with all of the major life decisions we are trying to make right now, and it gets much worse. How do we keep from raising a brat? This is a major concern of ours - we'd like to have a child that other people enjoy being around. But how does that happen? I know it when I see it, but I have no idea how to raise good kids. And am I going to work? Well, I don't know yet if I NEED to work, because we're not 100% sure about Brian's income. Nor do we know what our expenses will be, because we haven't moved in yet and how are we supposed to know exactly how much a baby will cost, anyway? If I do work, there are major stressors that go along with that (like childcare and guilt). If I don't work, though, that has its own major stressors (like isolation and money stress). I feel like every single day I'm making a decision that is going to affect the rest of my life. It makes me want to hide under a rock.

So I just want to say, for the record, I don't know. I don't know about baby gear. I don't know about routines, or bottles, or working while he's little. I don't know anything at all about being a parent, or how I'm going to handle tantrums or sleeplessness. I don't know, I don't know, I DON'T KNOW.

But I do know that all children are a blessing. And that we've waited a long time for him to get here. And that, for as much as I'm unprepared (and believe me, I am NOT prepared), I can't wait to see him. I don't know anything about being a parent, but I know that I want, more than anything, to be one.

For now, that's enough.