am: hungry. sitting in the library. wearing my work clothes.
think: in spurts - some are more logical than others.
know: that I'll eat dinner soon. that Santa isn't real. that God is good.
have: a lot of love in my life.
hate: the word "hate." vomit. money. that my car is making a funny sound right now (please please please God let my car be ok amen).
don't: like okra or tomatoes. mind changing diapers. like making decisions. like living in limbo.
can't: tell you where I will live next year at this time.
can: cook for 11 people much more efficiently than 6 months ago.
will: not always have a chaotic life.
won't: miss this when I'm done (that's probably a lie. I probably will, and I'll probably complain about it right here).
miss: trees.
fear: not ever having children.
feel: good.
hear: the afterschoolers whispering. the click of keyboards. the hum of flourescent lights. in the mornings, the pitterPADDDDEEEERRRR of many many feet, and 6 "What are we having?"'s.
smell: residual coffee. which i like.
crave: nothing. seriously -
wonder: who wrote the book of love.
regret: blaming others.
love: too many and much to list on a silly little survey.
dream: of a HOUSE and a FLOWERBED and the pitterpadder of our own little feet.
care: about doing things well.
always: FORGET. oops.
am not: as sure of myself as I was five years ago.
believe: in hope.
sing: to the dog. to the Searcy children. with the music at work (Mindy Smith was playing today!).
smile: so much sometimes that I get a headache because all of my smiley muscles are constricted for too long. no kidding.
laugh: at Brian's jokes, sometimes before he tells them.
collect: notebooks full of prayers and thoughts and memories (and it's a good thing, because otherwise i would forget them).
play: a mean game of Scrabble, though I rarely win.
write: in my head constantly.
await: the next step.
cook: regular old foods - spaghetti and oatmeal and lasagna and chicken - pretty well.
trust: easily.
intend: to be where i am.
search: in spurts, as well. it usually follows my thoughts.
look: a little scraggly. i need a haircut.
shout: with regret every time.
whisper: when i'm holding a sleepy baby.
conquer: (ed) the KC metro interstate system to take mikkee to the airport! yay!
listen: whenever i'm given the opportunity.
live: yes. i do.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
politics and churchinAlabama: a mostly benign rant
I hear your frustration, I really do. I know it myself, fought it and gave into it and turned away from it and gave into it again the whole time we were a part of religious life in the Bible belt. But here's the thing, my funny sweet friends that I love so much. Your disdain for what you see, for the discrepancy between what is said and what is lived in churchinAlabama, is, I think, good. I think it even comes from God, a type of holy discontentment for the religious status quo. But I disagree with your response.
It is GOOD to be frustrated with what you see. I hear you saying that you're sick to death of it, you desire SUBSTANCE and the power of God that changes lives, and that's a GOOD desire. But if you want to see that desire fulfilled, if you want to be a part of God's kingdom and not just churchinAlabama, don't look to other facets of the culture to satisfy your desire for God.
Politics aren't working; there will always be two parties, there will always be conflict, there will always be the politically oppressed. If you want a fight, politics will serve you well. But if you want to see people healed or living more meaningful lives, the legislature can't help you.
Literature and art (though I LOVE them dearly and continue to enjoy them) only describe the struggle ... they will help you feel less alone, but don't give courage or relief in the middle of the night.
If you're tired of what you see, if you're tired of rhetoric and facade, stop being surprised when the culture is lacking, or being frustrated when it can't sustain you. The only one with the power to heal and change us is Jesus.
Jesus was a radical; He would have rolled his eyes at us religious folks and would have slept on the couches of those who are never going to set foot in our churches. He would have hated the rhetoric and the Christian subculture. He cared about people - not about categories of people, but about the person standing in front of him. To the chagrin of his friends, Jesus was not interested in a political movement, and he only got into religious debates when provoked. Jesus loved PEOPLE, not ideas or causes. People.
Hypocrisy is the word of the day, and if I'm going to say all of this I have to say I'm not very good at following my own advice. I think I've said it before, but Jesus is hard. Politics, ideas, literature, art - they make me feel smarter, wiser, better than I am, and they give me definitions of "us" and "them". Jesus doesn't let me do that. He separates truth from lie, and exposes the gap between who I think I am from who I am REALLY. But He is also the only hope ANY of us - religious and sinner alike - have in life.
Love to you all.
You may begin throwing tomatoes at me .... NOW.
It is GOOD to be frustrated with what you see. I hear you saying that you're sick to death of it, you desire SUBSTANCE and the power of God that changes lives, and that's a GOOD desire. But if you want to see that desire fulfilled, if you want to be a part of God's kingdom and not just churchinAlabama, don't look to other facets of the culture to satisfy your desire for God.
Politics aren't working; there will always be two parties, there will always be conflict, there will always be the politically oppressed. If you want a fight, politics will serve you well. But if you want to see people healed or living more meaningful lives, the legislature can't help you.
Literature and art (though I LOVE them dearly and continue to enjoy them) only describe the struggle ... they will help you feel less alone, but don't give courage or relief in the middle of the night.
If you're tired of what you see, if you're tired of rhetoric and facade, stop being surprised when the culture is lacking, or being frustrated when it can't sustain you. The only one with the power to heal and change us is Jesus.
Jesus was a radical; He would have rolled his eyes at us religious folks and would have slept on the couches of those who are never going to set foot in our churches. He would have hated the rhetoric and the Christian subculture. He cared about people - not about categories of people, but about the person standing in front of him. To the chagrin of his friends, Jesus was not interested in a political movement, and he only got into religious debates when provoked. Jesus loved PEOPLE, not ideas or causes. People.
Hypocrisy is the word of the day, and if I'm going to say all of this I have to say I'm not very good at following my own advice. I think I've said it before, but Jesus is hard. Politics, ideas, literature, art - they make me feel smarter, wiser, better than I am, and they give me definitions of "us" and "them". Jesus doesn't let me do that. He separates truth from lie, and exposes the gap between who I think I am from who I am REALLY. But He is also the only hope ANY of us - religious and sinner alike - have in life.
Love to you all.
You may begin throwing tomatoes at me .... NOW.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Catching Up
Mikkee is coming to visit this weekend. Yay! (By the way, this picture was taken last July 4 weekend - if you'd told me then what my life would be like right now I would have never believed you.)
have you heard
Charlie Hall's Flying Into Daybreak?
So good.
My favorite line(s)...
i put my head up to your chest
and listen for sound
and you are breath-taking and breath-giving
doesn't my heart burn within me?
So good.
My favorite line(s)...
i put my head up to your chest
and listen for sound
and you are breath-taking and breath-giving
doesn't my heart burn within me?
here comes one now
Prospective Immigrants
Please Note
Either you will
go through this door
or you will not go through.
If you go through
there is always the risk
of remembering your name.
Things look at you doubly
and you must look back
and let them happen.
If you do not go through
it is possible
to live worthily
to maintain your attitudes
to hold your position
to die bravely
but much will blind you,
much will evade you,
at what cost who knows?
The door itself
makes no promises.
It is only a door.
- Adrienne Rich
1962
Please Note
Either you will
go through this door
or you will not go through.
If you go through
there is always the risk
of remembering your name.
Things look at you doubly
and you must look back
and let them happen.
If you do not go through
it is possible
to live worthily
to maintain your attitudes
to hold your position
to die bravely
but much will blind you,
much will evade you,
at what cost who knows?
The door itself
makes no promises.
It is only a door.
- Adrienne Rich
1962
Pictures from the weekend
The view from our room:
The Ocean:
Downtown West Palm Beach:
Us - Standing in the middle of the street:
The Ocean:
Downtown West Palm Beach:
Us - Standing in the middle of the street:
some thoughts from last week
As you may have guessed, last week was pretty bad, particularly last Tuesday. I wrote this last Wednesday, and even though it's a little outdated now, I thought I'd post it anyway.
1. I am pretty good at lying to myself. Whenever there is an internal problem, I put it off on something external … if only I lived somewhere else, or had a different job, or had friends close by, etc … when, in reality, how I feel has nothing to do with any of those things. I had a minor breakdown last night (a cathartic moment, if you will), and I realized something important. It wouldn't matter where I lived right now, or who lived in my neighborhood, or how much money we were making, or whether I loved my job … there is nothing external that would resolve how I'm feeling. It's time for me to stop blaming other people for my own stuff.
Having said that, Birmingham is a nice city. I really never gave it a chance. If nothing works out with a church, maybe I wouldn't mind trying it again.
2. Suffering increases our capacity to feel everything, not just pain. I picture what started as a very small circle being carved out concentrically, wider and wider. Whatever measure of hurt or frustration I feel, I am also now able to feel in compassion, love, patience, peace. And while it would be nice to be ignorant and happy, I’m thankful for the fruit of this season.
3. Mike Bickle describes fasting as an intentional submission to physical weakness in order to increase our capacity to receive in the spiritual realm. It doesn't win us favor with God, but it allows us to need God more, and, therefore, to be more open to the Holy Spirit. Suffering does the same thing; it is the reality that fasting mimics. Because I need God in order to function, He has the opportunity to work supernaturally more often in my life.
4. I honestly have the most gracious, patient, generous, humble husband ever. I can't say enough good things about him … and I'm not usually one to say it publicly. I married well.
5. Janet sent me The Fact of a Doorframe, by Adrienne Rich, which was a really thoughtful gift. I spent the afternoon reading poetry (so good). Expect more from Ms. Rich soon.
6. I'm growing in my barista skills, for those who were concerned. It's nice to get to do some of the more complicated jobs, and not be stuck behind a cash register looking for the "breve" button all day.
7. High on Saturday in KC - 19'. High in South Florida - 76'. I had to dig around for the short-sleeved shirts that somehow made the short list for the suitcase when I drove up after Christmas. I'm glad now that I was a little excessive, or I wouldn't have had anything to pack for Florida. Who knew I'd be going to Florida before I went home again …
8. Before my life took its most recent spin, I was thinking/ learning about wisdom. When things settle down, hopefully I can come back to that thought, because it would have been fun to talk with you all about it.
1. I am pretty good at lying to myself. Whenever there is an internal problem, I put it off on something external … if only I lived somewhere else, or had a different job, or had friends close by, etc … when, in reality, how I feel has nothing to do with any of those things. I had a minor breakdown last night (a cathartic moment, if you will), and I realized something important. It wouldn't matter where I lived right now, or who lived in my neighborhood, or how much money we were making, or whether I loved my job … there is nothing external that would resolve how I'm feeling. It's time for me to stop blaming other people for my own stuff.
Having said that, Birmingham is a nice city. I really never gave it a chance. If nothing works out with a church, maybe I wouldn't mind trying it again.
2. Suffering increases our capacity to feel everything, not just pain. I picture what started as a very small circle being carved out concentrically, wider and wider. Whatever measure of hurt or frustration I feel, I am also now able to feel in compassion, love, patience, peace. And while it would be nice to be ignorant and happy, I’m thankful for the fruit of this season.
3. Mike Bickle describes fasting as an intentional submission to physical weakness in order to increase our capacity to receive in the spiritual realm. It doesn't win us favor with God, but it allows us to need God more, and, therefore, to be more open to the Holy Spirit. Suffering does the same thing; it is the reality that fasting mimics. Because I need God in order to function, He has the opportunity to work supernaturally more often in my life.
4. I honestly have the most gracious, patient, generous, humble husband ever. I can't say enough good things about him … and I'm not usually one to say it publicly. I married well.
5. Janet sent me The Fact of a Doorframe, by Adrienne Rich, which was a really thoughtful gift. I spent the afternoon reading poetry (so good). Expect more from Ms. Rich soon.
6. I'm growing in my barista skills, for those who were concerned. It's nice to get to do some of the more complicated jobs, and not be stuck behind a cash register looking for the "breve" button all day.
7. High on Saturday in KC - 19'. High in South Florida - 76'. I had to dig around for the short-sleeved shirts that somehow made the short list for the suitcase when I drove up after Christmas. I'm glad now that I was a little excessive, or I wouldn't have had anything to pack for Florida. Who knew I'd be going to Florida before I went home again …
8. Before my life took its most recent spin, I was thinking/ learning about wisdom. When things settle down, hopefully I can come back to that thought, because it would have been fun to talk with you all about it.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
What I Do and Don't Know
I finished A Million Little Pieces. This much I know: I am as convinced of the presence of demons as I am of the presence of God. This guy is writing the story of a man who is possessed. I don't recommend the book, really, but the perspective was enlightening.
I do know that Georgia is going to have a baby brother, and that is super exciting. We'll get to meet David Sawyer Arnold sometime in mid-July.
I don't know what we will do next. We loved the church in Florida (Hey Carrie, it exists!). The cost of living is outrageous, but the church is great. They have two other people flying in for a weekend interview. So who knows what will happen there.
At the same time, safer options may have presented themselves ...
I do know that I don't want to make the easy decision; I want to do what will cause me to need God most. Which is scary to say - that's saying that I want to have less control over my own life, and it is scary to relinquish control. Truthfully, it's hard to say which option would be safer. There are no easy decisions from here. It's all a risk, in one form or another. So, again, I don't know what we will do next.
And I don't know when any of this ends ... any of it, and that's hard, too. But God is good to me. David said, "My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." They're weighty words; if God is my portion, I'm not guaranteed anything else - not children or a home or security or money - and if God is my strength, then I'm no longer trying to make things happen by using my own abilities. But I say it with David. Though my heart and my flesh fail me, God is my strength and my portion forever. Lately, that's all I know.
I do know that Georgia is going to have a baby brother, and that is super exciting. We'll get to meet David Sawyer Arnold sometime in mid-July.
I don't know what we will do next. We loved the church in Florida (Hey Carrie, it exists!). The cost of living is outrageous, but the church is great. They have two other people flying in for a weekend interview. So who knows what will happen there.
At the same time, safer options may have presented themselves ...
I do know that I don't want to make the easy decision; I want to do what will cause me to need God most. Which is scary to say - that's saying that I want to have less control over my own life, and it is scary to relinquish control. Truthfully, it's hard to say which option would be safer. There are no easy decisions from here. It's all a risk, in one form or another. So, again, I don't know what we will do next.
And I don't know when any of this ends ... any of it, and that's hard, too. But God is good to me. David said, "My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." They're weighty words; if God is my portion, I'm not guaranteed anything else - not children or a home or security or money - and if God is my strength, then I'm no longer trying to make things happen by using my own abilities. But I say it with David. Though my heart and my flesh fail me, God is my strength and my portion forever. Lately, that's all I know.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
A Million Little Pieces
I am in South Florida, in the middle of this spiritual weekend, and I haven't said anything useful in the blogworld in probably three weeks, and I have (no kidding) at least three meaningful entries in KC typed up and just waiting for the next trip to the library so I can post them ... and all I want to say to you tonight is that I'm beginning to get it. The hype about the book, I mean. I didn't at first, but now that I'm about 2/3's into it, and the THEME of the book is finding out the truth about the world and yourself, and living within that truth, and about how long it takes him - James Frey - to acknowledge the truth, and then how he marketed this book to be his story of finding the TRUTH about his life, when really it was a LIE meant to sell books ... I am beginning to see the irony. The book is good, but that was pretty wrong. So I get the hype, even though I like and will finish the book.
Not sure if I will recommend it to you or not, though. It's Wally Lamb/ Toni Morrison harsh, with the style (there's a name for it, I'm sure, that I don't know) that reminds me of The Catcher in the Rye / The Shipping News. At first I almost didn't keep reading it, because people kept throwing up spectacularly and with much detail (and most of you know how I feel about vomit), but now I'm sucked in. So we'll see. He also writes in run-on sentences. Can you read this entry and tell?
Either way, the book might be good, but what he did was wrong. Now I get it.
Love from THE BEACH.
Not sure if I will recommend it to you or not, though. It's Wally Lamb/ Toni Morrison harsh, with the style (there's a name for it, I'm sure, that I don't know) that reminds me of The Catcher in the Rye / The Shipping News. At first I almost didn't keep reading it, because people kept throwing up spectacularly and with much detail (and most of you know how I feel about vomit), but now I'm sucked in. So we'll see. He also writes in run-on sentences. Can you read this entry and tell?
Either way, the book might be good, but what he did was wrong. Now I get it.
Love from THE BEACH.
Monday, February 13, 2006
2-13-06
I really loved reading everyone's peppy little blogs today, but here's the thing. February sucks for me. I keep wanting to say more, but then it seems pointless, because we'll just talk in circles about how things will get better and God has a plan, blah blah blah. I know. And I really don't want to hear it. I just want February to end.
As it will, in like, 15 days, I know. So if you don't hear much from me, it's because February sucks, and I don't want to complain. Maybe March will be more chipper.
One bright spot - I'm WAY excited about our upcoming trip to Florida.
Love from KC.
As it will, in like, 15 days, I know. So if you don't hear much from me, it's because February sucks, and I don't want to complain. Maybe March will be more chipper.
One bright spot - I'm WAY excited about our upcoming trip to Florida.
Love from KC.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
What's going on at Asbury?
Hey! You out there! Melinda! Carrie! Elizabeth! Jan! Cindy!
What the heck is going on at Asbury? IHOP has been seriously praying this week for Asbury, and then Melinda vaguely mentioned something on her blog. I'd like to know more. Is it a spontaneous revival or the beginning of an organized house of prayer? What is the spirit of the place, if that makes sense ... what I mean is, if it is a true revival, different places/ moments have experienced different attributes of God. So what does it look like? Were any of you there when it started? What happened?
What's going on at Asbury?
What the heck is going on at Asbury? IHOP has been seriously praying this week for Asbury, and then Melinda vaguely mentioned something on her blog. I'd like to know more. Is it a spontaneous revival or the beginning of an organized house of prayer? What is the spirit of the place, if that makes sense ... what I mean is, if it is a true revival, different places/ moments have experienced different attributes of God. So what does it look like? Were any of you there when it started? What happened?
What's going on at Asbury?
Monday, February 06, 2006
waiting
Last week, during dinner, the four-year-old had something to say. "Wait a minute," his dad said. "Yes, but Dad ..." the kid said. "No. Don't interrupt. I want you to wait." The kid sat for a minute, kicking one foot, veritably contorting with the desire to speak. "I ..... can't ..... doooooooo .... it," he said, each word its own statement. "Yes, you can," his dad replied. "Wait." Now it was a test of wills. The kid sighed. Put his head on the table. Sat up, sighed again. Gulped his milk, then picked up his fork. He started mixing the food on his plate, ketchup on top of meat on top of beans. Silence. Then, "Now. What did you need?" "Nevermind," said the kid. "I did it myself."
And I thought, kid, I know exactly how you feel.
And I thought, kid, I know exactly how you feel.
the Psalms
At some point, the Psalms opened up for me. They moved from strange, ancient, irrelevant poetry to reading someone's prayer journal. Here's an example of what I mean.
Psalm 143
O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. Do not bring your servant into judgment, for no one living is righteous before you. The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead. So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me, or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.
Psalm 143
O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. Do not bring your servant into judgment, for no one living is righteous before you. The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead. So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me, or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
time for a little miscellany
1. Happy birthday to this baby!
2. It is cold again. It's one of those bright, cloudless, blustery days that makes every person in western Kansas City want to hang out in everyone's favorite coffee shop. I know this is true because I served them all today.
3. In an effort to give legendary service in three minutes or less, I offered someone a piece of reduced fat cinnamon SQUIRREL coffee cake yesterday. She declined.
4. There's been some promising developments with the church hunt. A church in south Florida has invited us down to visit/ interview. I don't know if this will go anywhere or not, but it is nice to have people interested in us.
5. Have you guys heard all the hype about A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey? My sister gave it to me for Christmas, but I haven't read it yet. Apparently the guy claimed to be writing his memoirs, when the book is actually fiction. I'm having a hard time understanding what the big deal is. So it's fiction ... how does that affect whether or not you enjoy reading the story? I don't really get it.
That's all. I too am off to enjoy my cold sunny Saturday with a cup of coffee and a new book to read.
2. It is cold again. It's one of those bright, cloudless, blustery days that makes every person in western Kansas City want to hang out in everyone's favorite coffee shop. I know this is true because I served them all today.
3. In an effort to give legendary service in three minutes or less, I offered someone a piece of reduced fat cinnamon SQUIRREL coffee cake yesterday. She declined.
4. There's been some promising developments with the church hunt. A church in south Florida has invited us down to visit/ interview. I don't know if this will go anywhere or not, but it is nice to have people interested in us.
5. Have you guys heard all the hype about A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey? My sister gave it to me for Christmas, but I haven't read it yet. Apparently the guy claimed to be writing his memoirs, when the book is actually fiction. I'm having a hard time understanding what the big deal is. So it's fiction ... how does that affect whether or not you enjoy reading the story? I don't really get it.
That's all. I too am off to enjoy my cold sunny Saturday with a cup of coffee and a new book to read.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
I'm definitely going to be one of those women who walks around saying, "The Lord gave me a word for you today."
I'll just offer this up to the blogworld as you peruse this afternoon ... I've had a feeling for several days now that I can't shake and can't explain. I FEEL like something is wrong. But I've thought about it a good bit, and nothing is wrong with me, or Brian, or the Searcys (which would be my first guesses, since those are the people I see every day). I don't know what it is. We can debate why or if I should trust my emotions this much, but I'm not kidding, this is a seriously weird feeling. So - is everybody ok? Everybody still have all of their limbs? Nobody in the hospital or anything? Just thought I'd check in with you ...
Laugh if you want, but wear your seatbelt for the next few days, ok?
Love from your odd friend in Kansas.
Laugh if you want, but wear your seatbelt for the next few days, ok?
Love from your odd friend in Kansas.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)