Everybody needs a little forgiveness

And love is harder than a word
Said I felt like dying, now everything's alright.
Love is different than you would think.
- Caedmon's Call


Lately I have been thinking about forgiveness. Thinking isn't exactly the right word ... it's more like recently I've had the opportunity to see the fruit of forgiveness in the lives of my friends. As is my habit, I keep trying to describe what I see, but this time, it isn't working. I have written a few beginnings, but I can't seem to move forward in developing my thought. So I started wondering why my words are stilted this time. I think it's because relationships are complicated. Monsters don't look the same in the daylight, and people are more than their worst moments. Because peace and release and compassion are a work of God, and good luck capturing them on paper. Because love is different than you would think.

Do you want to hear my beginnings anyway?


I.

I didn't know what to say to you.

We sat side by side this morning, drinking coffee in silence from identical black mugs. We weren't formally introduced, and now it's too late. I'm not sure what to call you and, if I was, I wouldn't know what to say after your name, anyway. You must feel some discomfort toward me, the intruder, as well. Or maybe you were responding to what you sensed from me - my averted eyes, my shifting weight. I thought I would take my cues from my friend, the one who holds this tangle of lives in place, but she, as always, remains steady. She seems neither comforted nor uncomfortable in your presence. This, too, leaves me uncertain. Shouldn't it matter more that you are here? But she moves as easily with you as she does without, remaining, as always, both relaxed and guarded, tending to the little lives that surround her.

You are part of the stories, part of a time that she has tightly confined and marked "before." She has forgiven you all, in turn, and sitting here this morning, her easy manner speaks forgiveness again. I wish I could do the same.

And

II.

Four women sat on a Sunday afternoon in a room of doilies and porcelain. Two were related, three were friends, two were lovers, two were strangers, one was bored, one was nervous, one was enchanted, one was relieved, two were interviewing each other, both passed inspection. The sun glared through the blinds, then hid behind the trees, while the women smiled or looked away or listened or talked or prayed.

When the room was dark enough for lamplight, one woman said to another, "They're home. Both of them." The other covered her eyes, took a slow breath, and waited. And I, the observer, waited as well - for the atmosphere to change, for pasted smiles and mumbled greetings. For a hasty departure, theirs, then ours. For the mood to be broken. I took a slow breath along with her and waited.

Nothing happened.


Twice this month, I watched women that I respect live out the act of forgiveness. I saw them bless those who once cursed them, and be kind to those who were once their enemies. Both times I have been surprised at how comfortable they were, how easily they laughed, how quickly they defended, how much they loved. I was also surprised at my own discomfort, and I realized how slow I am to forgive those who have hurt people I love. In watching them, I saw how the line between friend and enemy is hazy. The people who hurt us most can do so because we love them, and want them to love us. The command to love our enemies is really one to forgive our friend.

I respect my friends so much, who have forgiven their enemies and loved their friends. In watching them, I see how forgiveness is for the offended more than the offender. My friends have the freedom to grow, to love both their enemies and themselves, because they have forgiven others. Forgiveness, healing, restoration - these are the work of God, and growing in them, I think, is always supernatural.

Seeing how God is restoring my friends leaves me thinking, man, I have so far to go. I guess when it comes to the ways of God, I'm still at the beginning.

traveling damn gypsy show

My mom told this story last night about me as a little kid. I won't share it, because I feel stupid telling family jokes to the whole world, but the punchline was, "traveling damn gypsy show." Man, I wish I'd known the story before I started this blog. I SO would have used that as a name.

back home

I have several half-written posts in my head that I will share when I've had more time to think about them. For now, here are a few first thoughts on life in Alabama.

* ALABAMA IS SUCH A SMALL TOWN. The whole state. EVERY DAY (no kidding) I see someone that I used to know. One coworker has lived in two of the neighborhoods I've lived in (Capitol Heights and Teri Lane). Another used to know a girl that I know now. I worked on another coworker's Chrysalis way back when. It's ridiculous how often those kinds of connections are made here. It's because ALABAMA IS A SMALL TOWN, and if you stay long enough, you meet everybody in the state. Yikes. Anonymity was more comfortable.

* I LOVE THE ACCENTS (apparently I'm also loving the capital letters today). I'm not mocking anyone when I say this. Whenever I hear, "Yae-us, Ah'll have a vuhnilluh lottay granday," I want to reply with, "Bless your heart!" It's the sweetest thing EVER.

* People in Alabama are not completely comfortable with the concept of a coffee shop. They act as though it is a much more complicated process, this ordering of coffee, than it really is. Also, they don't speak with much confidence about their choices. Just speak up, honey. If you want it, I'll bet we can make it. It's not like this in KC; KC is more coffee savvy, apparently.

* ALABAMA HAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WEATHER. The world is GREEN and BRIGHT and BLOOMING and every day is completely perfect, weather-wise. So good.

* The new housing arrangement is good. We have two bedrooms and a bathroom ALL TO OURSELVES, and only four of us living in the whole house. And I've never lived in such a quiet house before. If only I didn't have to wake up at 3:45 every morning, I would enjoy it that much more. However, when I walk out to my car every morning, it feels like the beginning of a scene from a horror movie.

* I miss the Searcys.

* When Brian went to the bank today, I had TWELVE CENTS in my checking account. TWELVE CENTS. That has to be my personal record. It brings new meaning to the word "balance." It was more like I was teetering on the edge of the overdraft abyss ... but I stayed in the black, and that's all that matters.

Ok. More actual thoughts to come ...

Decisions are contagious, apparently.

Our choices were



or



We turned down the beach. We're moving to Nashville.





Anybody going north? We need a ride.

i need a little distraction.

So, I am looking for a good book to read. Any suggestions?

moving on

So we're almost ready to move forward, and that means it's time for me to make a decision about my career. Which really shouldn't be that big of a deal ... I have a degree and a field of choice and experience in that field and contacts and whatnot, so it stands to reason that I should just make some calls and start looking for a job. But it isn't that easy, or, at least, I'm not letting it be that easy. Because my chosen field, as much as I enjoy it, means that I am spending eight hours every day in a world that I am not a part of, putting energy into people who are doing what I actually want to be doing, but can't (at this point). It's a little like a woman who wants to be married choosing to work at a bridal shop. Why do you want to do that to yourself? And how do you do that without becoming bitter? Hence, for now, I'm a barista.

So do I stay a barista? Because I'm not promised anything. What if I'm wasting time as a barista that I could be putting toward learning something new? What if what I want never actually happens? Am I going to be a barista indefinitely, and spend the next ten years waiting for my life to start? If I had a friend who wanted to get married, but had no guarantees of that, I would tell her to keep living the life she wanted to live until she needed to make a change. So why is it so hard to follow my own advice? At the same time, what if I start working toward something new, and then what I originally wanted does happen? I'd be stuck, unable to do what I originally wanted because now I've committed my energy to something else. But, at present, I'm stuck waiting to see if what I want is going to happen. Either way, I feel stuck.

Brian keeps saying (and he's right) that I can't let my life revolve around something that doesn't exist. I need to make the most of the time that I have now, and deal with each new thing as it happens. I get that logic, and I really want to follow it, but, in this situation, I don't know how. I can't just decide I'm going to think about something else for a while. If I could, I would. At the same time, how long am I going to make it as a barista, really, once our lives are back in order? I know myself better than that. I'm going to get bored, and downtime leads to more time to think about what I'm doing or not doing or could be doing instead.

So here I sit, in limbo. If I can't do what I really want to do, what else should I do? And then how do I get excited about doing something - anything - other than what I really want to be doing?

mood music

Thought I knew my mind like the back of my hand,
The gold and the rainbow, but nothing panned out as I planned.
And they say only milk and honey's gonna make your soul satisfied!
Well I better learn how to swim
Cause the crossing is chilly and wide.
Twisted guardrail on the highway, broken glass on the cement
A ghost of someone's tragedy
How recklessly my time has been spent.
And they say that it's never too late, but you don't get any younger!
Well I better learn how to starve the emptiness
And feed the hunger
Up on the watershed, standing at the fork in the road
You can stand there and agonize
Till your agony's your heaviest load.
You'll never fly as the crow flies, get used to a country mile.
When you're learning to face the path at your pace
Every choice is worth your while.
Well there's always retrospect to light a clearer path
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh.
You start at the top, go full circle round
Catch a breeze, take a spill
But ending up where i started again makes me wanna stand still.
Stepping on a crack, breaking up and looking back
Every tree limb overhead just seems to sit and wait.
Until every step you take becomes a twist of fate.

- Watershed, by the Indigo Girls

a broken heart's education

I learned just how little I need, and even how little I actually want ... when everything was stripped away, do you want to know what I missed? My coffee pot and poetry books. That's it. I was mostly wrong in what I thought I needed.

I learned how to follow rules. Even ones that seem ridiculous to me ... I learned how to respect someone else's wishes above my own. Which is really a lesson in humility.

I learned that vomit and diapers and snotty noses and other people's bathrooms are really NOT that big of a deal. You do what you have to do, and that's that.

I learned how to eat what is served to me and thank God for the ease with which I have it and shut up about the rest.

I learned that nobody is perfect, but there are people in my life who can teach me so much about love and sacrifice and obedience and the kingdom of God, if I'm willing to accept them for who they are and hear what they have to say.

I learned that the message of the cross - of denying yourself and following Jesus - is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to those who are being saved it is the very power of God.

I learned that I no longer desire adventure for adventure's sake. If someone is in ICU, I want to be able to get there. If someone's having a baby, or retiring, or having a crisis, I want to be within driving distance. There's adventure, and then there's relationships, and maybe I'm not as willing to exchange one for the other as I once was. Aubrey said it best recently when she said, "If I want to see something exciting, I'll go on vacation. Right now, I want to go home."

I learned (and am learning) about the gentleness of God. About how the One who flung stars and created light and commands demons and angels does not peel back my skin with His presence, nor does He show contempt for my piddly mild suffering. He restores us so carefully ... the reality of that amazes me.

I learned - again - how much I love my husband. I agree with you, Heather, when you said, "I wouldn’t have ever believed how much better married love is - how much better security and comfort and KNOWING your spouse is than falling head over heels in love with a stranger."

a toast

In my head, I picture the blogworld as a little room in which we're all sitting and talking. Sometimes we're talking over each other, sometimes one person has the floor. Sometimes we're sitting in the youth room at EUMC (drinking kool-aid and eating sugar cookies, per Laurie's request), sometimes we're sitting in the living room in Nashville where my small group met, sometimes we're in McAlisters, sometimes we're in everyone's favorite coffee shop. It depends on who is talking or what's being said as to where I picture us ... ANYWAY. I'd like to make a toast ... your attention, please ... in the Searcy house, the two-year-old will toast her father each meal by raising her sippee cup and saying clearly OYAY! So, please raise your glass with me and speak clearly. OYAY!

* TO DWAN and BOB (my two dads) - because today is their birthdays. OYAY!

* TO LAURIE - who got a promotion and will soon be working a normal person's schedule and will get to be awake in the morning and asleep at night. OYAY!

* To STEPHANIE (known here as Georgia's mom) - who will soon be ordained in the Methodist Church, after working toward this for ten years, and who is making major life changes with as much grace as anyone I've ever seen, and who is also the most loyal friend ever. OYAY!

* To BRIAN - just because I like him. OYAY!

* To ALLISON and DAVID - whose apartment has been deemed, indeed, cute. OYAY!

* To LAURA and NICK - because they are newlyweds and moving into a new apartment and that is a really fun place to be. OYAY!

* To MARY - who wrote the funniest dog post EVER today. OYAY!

You may now resume your conversations ...

You just knew it was going to happen this way.

We've been floating along for months now - almost six of them, actually - and our prayers have all been answered with spiritual fruit, but with nothing tangible to show for them. And now, when we'd almost made a decision, just a regular old let's-put-our-thinking-caps-on-and-decide kind of decision - WHAM! - we have OPTIONS. We have to choose between something and something else. Options. Think of that.

Options are scary because they mean that I have to be responsible for my future. I won't be able to say, "Well, we didn't know what else to do," or "We didn't think we had a choice," because that will be a lie. Now we have to CHOOSE. One or the other.

It sounds scary, but it's really ok. I think we know what the best choice is. God has been teaching us about the value of wisdom (the parents are reading this and thinking - yes! use some wisdom this time!!) and I think we know what the wise choice is. I'm not going to tell you all more, because I don't want you to weigh in right now. But once we decide, maybe I'll tell you what we didn't do ...

I have no idea why sometimes you get a white screen when you type in this blogspot address. I'm still alive and well in the blogworld. Let's hope it gets cleared up soon ...

almost home

i'm taking the long way home this time; i've been on the road for three days, and now i'm almost there. i'm about to leave mikkee's house (hi mikkee! i'm using your computer, i didn't think you'd mind. i told you, i can get sucked in to this thing), and i'll meet stephanie & co. for lunch (hi steph, i'm probably going to be a little later than 11:30), and then i'm headed home. it's been a fun week. lots of coffee, LOTS of conversation ... lexington is a much cooler town than i remembered it. wilmore is exactly the same. i saw cindy and elizabeth and i thought i saw melinda (i yelled out the door for a few minutes before i realized it wasn't you. oops) and mikkee and her roommate(s). i went to fido and it felt like home, even though i'm not quite there yet ... anyway, i mostly stopped in to say hello and to add a thought to the conversation allison and heather are having (somewhere in the blogworld - it all runs together for me) about derek webb quotes. the one that i find myself quoting most days is this:

the truth is never sexy
and it's not an easy sell
you can dress her like the culture
but she'll shock them just as well

it's so true. it's so true. it's SO true.

one other thing - i can't believe how beautiful the south is in the springtime. i think i got so used to seeing brown prairies against grey skies that i forgot color EXISTED in the natural world. kentucky and tennessee are so HILLY and GREEN and SUNNY. it's beautiful around here ...

ssg

She always knows just what to say.

Man, I had the wine glass in hand. I was about to take off my shoes, put my feet up ... I'll just do, I'm gonna do the Send You On Your Way song. Thank you so much, you're sweet, this is your Send You On Your Way song.

Must have walked ten million miles
Must have walked ten million miles
Wore some shoes that weren't my style
Ten million miles.

I've been kind, I've told some lies
Like everyone whose lived or died
Like everyone who's ever tried
To walk ten million miles.

I memorize and I forget
Do some things that I regret
Wish for things I never get
Walk in the rain and get wet

Must have walked ten million miles
Must have walked ten million miles
So think before you criticize
Ten million miles.

Traveled around from place to place
Wore some rags around my waist
Other times I dressed up lace
But I always searched for your sweet face

You ought to come sometime for tea
Maybe we could see the sea
Talk alot, or let things be
Just enjoy the mystery

I must have walked ten million miles
Must have walked ten million miles
Wore some shoes that weren't my style
Fell into the rank and file
So just say I was here awhile
A fool in search of your sweet smile
Ten million miles.

Happy Birthday Cindy Roy (McDavid)!

(this is a few days late ... sorry)

Leaving

tomorrow. I won't have email/blogworld access all week, so feel free to CALL ME if you want to talk.

It's a bittersweet day.

Also, we made it through the tornadoes unscathed. It's too obvious to even talk about how tornadoes are chasing us out of Kansas. Pa-lease. Even I, who love to hear and tell a good corny cliche once in a while, won't take that bait.

AND, just to clear up any confusion, we're leaving tomorrow for Alabama (though I won't be there until Thursday, because I'm going to see Elizabeth and Cindy and Mikkee first. This time I'm taking the scenic route through the middle of America). We're going to be living with my parents. We're still weighing our options about where to land, and we're still in the running with a few churches, including the one in Florida. SO. That's where we are. It is my goal to see as many of my friends as possible during our time in Alabama, so make plans to come visit (except for those that I owe a visit TO, in which case, I'M STILL WORKING ON IT).

It's weird how one of the few constants in my life is the pseudoreality of the computer. That's very odd ... In a few days, I'll turn on a computer, and this site will still be here, and I'll be writing to you on it, but I'll be in a different house and a different state and a different job (still a Barista, by the way. Look for me on Ann Street). How strange.

spring in kansas

Here's how springtime happens in Kansas.

We're moving along through the browngrey prairie of Kansas, same bluegrey sky day after day, wind pushing the little Honda across the interstate, nothing in the landscape except barns and cows. I pull into the driveway, get out of my car, and think, is that a bird? I think I hear a bird.

Next day, same browngreycowbarn landscape, same wind, same interstate, except - isn't that a frog? I think I hear frogs ...

The animals know it's spring, even if the ground doesn't. It's nice to hear the sounds of life again.

wrestling

I have been wrestling with God. I want what I want when I want it, and that makes me more American than Christian and also leans toward episodes that mimic schizophrenia. God and I had a serious, actual argument, and though it was hard, I'm glad that God won.

The result: God's ways are not like mine. It is possible to commit to seeking God above everything else, and watch my exterior life fall apart as a result. It's not only possible, it's PROBABLE, and I don't know why I'm always surprised when it happens. I get no guarantees in the natural realm (that's the part that I really don't like right now). I've been wrestling with God, and the good news is that, for now, it's over, and God won, and I'm not really even all that banged up, just tired, mostly.

So here are some things - in case you were interested - that ended our fight. They're all paraphrased and not referenced. I'm giving you ideas, not research.

a. Seek first the kingdom of God and all of these things will be ADDED to you. (In other words, I can't seek first everything else and think the kingdom will be added to me. It doesn't work that way).

b. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet God knows where each one of them lands. How much more does he care about you than sparrows? Look at the flowers of the field. They do nothing to earn their keep, and yet Solomon in all of his splendor was not as well dressed as they are. So don't worry about what you will wear, or where you will live, or how you will eat. Each day has enough worry of its own.

c. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

d. A man has two sons; he tells them both to go into the field. One says, "I will!" and then does not. The other says, "I will not," and then he goes. Which one did the right thing? The one who went. (This story is especially comforting considering how I ranted today. At least I'm still DOING it, even if I have been complaining about it.)

e. The message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to those who are being saved, it is the very fragrance of God.

I have the feeling that I could have made this so much more eloquent, but I'm just not in the mood to do so. It is what it is - like my life. It ain't as pretty as I want it be, but at least we're still moving forward ...

I don't usually do this, but it's my blog and I'll rant if I want to ...

1. Ever since August my hormones have been so screwy. I really hate that ... I hate to think that how I'm feeling (and make no mistake, boys, it's an actual real feeling that is no less real just because it's hormone related. It's like when you sneeze for six straight weeks, and someone says, "It's just allergies." Whoopee-freakin-doo. All that means is that you get to keep your cold indefinitely. But I digress) is directly related to hormone levels. If anyone has any magic natural solution to hormone screwiness, I'd really like to know it.

2. Since my hormones are screwy and I'm having a strange-feeling day and I don't want to get into what I'm feeling strange about (because it just doesn't seem like the kind of thing I want to share publicly), I'm going to share with you my number one all time biggest pet peeve. BRATS in public, especially in the (public) library. I used to think, it's just because I don't have kids that whiney ones get on my nerves. But now that I've lived with seven children for what? four months? and I've seen how it is possible for them to be actual human beings, both in public and at home, I have even less tolerance for kids screaming in libraries and church services. PLEASE. Discipline your children. They'll thank you for it - seriously. Everyone involved (including me) will be happier. The end.

3. Janet has been excerpting favorite Eclectic memories, and I loved that. I didn't even remember the things she wrote about (surprise surprise) but I loved reading it anyway. My favorite Eclectic memories? a). the stars in SC on the trip with Brian's group (anyone else remember this? Remember on the drive home, how Melinda was saying that I should marry Brian and how we all thought that was silly and never going to happen? =); b). the hundred million hamburgers eaten at the Laniers house, and Carrie and I simultaneously breaking into "Spades have been BRO-ken" loudly, and then laughing more than was necessary over the fact that we made the same corny joke at the exact same time; c). Chrysalis. The whole thing; d). praying in the sanctuary at EUMC; e). The entire group cracking up over Laurie's impressions of chickens. Good times.

4. At this point, I really don't even care what the decision is. I'm just ready to KNOW something about a church. When Halle and Todd came to KC, they had such a difficult time actually getting here and getting settled that they finally said, Ok, God, you've got twenty four hours. If something doesn't happen by the end of the business day tomorrow, I'm going back to Nashville. The next day they had a place to live. I'm beginning to feel the same way. I'm ready for a normal life.

That's all the ranting I have for now. I loved the Alabama conversation, by the way. It's funny how passionate everyone is about it. For the record: it's my home, and I love it because it's home, and I love the memories attached to it, and if the DOL family was all still there, then I'd probably love it still. I love the family and friends that I have in the area, and I'd really love to see my friends' babies grow up, and to be close to my niece, and to be called Aunt Stephanie. But something strange happens to me when I am there, and I don't like that. So maybe I'm going to live there again (well, I'm definitely about to hop to Slap-Out, but maybe I'll land there for good), or maybe I won't. I have no idea. Either way, if Alabama and I have had a fight, I've forgiven it.

in birmingham they love the guv'ner, ooh ooh ooh

I have been asked by more than one person, "Am I going to read about this conversation on your blog tomorrow?" Um, maybe. I've earned that reputation by doing things such as what I'm about to do right now ...

I want to tell you guys something a friend said to me today. All of you who are in the throes of a love-hate relationship with the South may be able to relate. And those who are not - who really unequivocally love alabama - there's no harm intended. My home's in Alabama, too, no matter where I lay my head (or egg, whatever). By the way, you know how my memory is - I'm paraphrasing, so you'll be slightly misquoted here, my friend who said this funny thing:

"Alabama is like a bad relationship. You keep looking back on it and remembering the good times, but whenever you are there, you're unhappy. If Alabama were a person, I'd tell them to just leave you alone. You need to break up with Alabama, Stephanie. Just call it off."

so...

We're headed to SLAP-OUT ourselves soon. Brian has referred to it as our next lilypad. Not sure where the next leap will be yet, though. We're working on it - we don't intend to be this flaky indefinitely - but we haven't made a decision. My dad says he's going to rename their property. He wants to call it "Back Home," as in, "I'm moving Back Home for a while." Ribbit.

Is everyone out there praying for us? Because you really should be.

P.S. There's been no drama in KC. It's just that all good things must come to an end. The Searcys are also contemplating their next leap.

how did that happen?

So somehow I started moderating comments? Don't really know how/why/when ... sorry about that. And here I'd been muttering under my breath all week about you all ... I make one little comment about literature and art and EVERYONE gives me the SILENT treatment ... when (OOPS) it was me all along. Hehe.

Melinda has a great post up right now

about surrender and following God and such like of the which. Your point, Melinda, about fighting for one thing to work only to realize there's been another good option just sitting there all along ... I get that. I have been thinking about the Apostles recently, how they prayed and cast lots and took the results as God's will. Or when Paul had a dream, and took it to mean that he should do something else, and then did it. It'd be nice to have the audible voice of the Lord every time, but, more often than not, we have to just make the best choice we can and hope for the best.

Wisdom. Is the word I've gotten most recently. Ask for wisdom, and it will be given freely to us, as long as, once we receive it, we don't look back. The person who looks back will be tossed to and fro like the waves, and cannot assume he should receive anything from God. (a paraphrase of James 1). God, we need wisdom. Amen.

does anyone else do this?

Because I am completely anonymous in the prayer room, and others are just as unknown to me, I assign names for the regulars based on who they look like. Recently, I have seen George Bush, Laurie, Kim Bargeron, Melinda, Lane, Scooter, Minta McDavid (which is odd, because I've only met the actual Minta McDavid a few times, but she's still there), and Dick Cheney (Dick Cheney and George Bush do not hang out). There are the occasional faces that I actually know, because their name has been listed somewhere, and I usually let them keep their given names. When the person does not resemble a celebrity or loved one, I assign them names based on their distinguishing characteristics. My favorite worship leader is The Revelation Four Guy; there's also the Circle Lady (because she moves her head in a circle when she sings, which is both comical and distracting), and the Tall Woman. Brian likes to avoid the "Strengthen The Inner Man!" Man, who tends to be a little intense for Brian's taste.

It's strange that I do this, I think. I feel a little like the guy in that short story that everyone had to read in the 8th grade, where the entire story is his imagination (remember? He flies an airplane, and all kinds of other interesting things. I think he's waiting for his wife in the grocery store, or something like that). The things we'll do to feel like we belong ...

I wonder what name someone else has assigned to me.